It's Not Persona 3, It's Katsura
by theSolitaireMystery
Summary: The world is in great peril. Hm? Because of the Shadows, you say? No, no. It is the Shogun, that wretched man, who allowed the accursed Shadow Amanto to conquer an innocent videogame. But fear not. The Velvet Room stands in the obscurity, a lighthouse in a sea of despair. Igor-san? Oh, he's on vacation. Where are the Personas, you ask? Likely stuffing their bellies with lasagna.
1. It's Not Velvet Room, It's Katsura

**DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Gintama, nor Persona 3, nor any of their characters or situations. I only own my stupid plot. If you really want to call it that.**

* * *

 _ **Chapter**_ _ **1**_

 _ **It's Not Velvet Room, It's Katsura.**_

* * *

 _A voice sounds through dark hallways._

 _A blue butterfly flaps its wings in the darkness._

 _A blue door opens in a secluded alleyway._

 _All of you brave warriors, heed my words..._

 _ **...Time never waits.**_

 _ **It delivers all equally to the same end.**_

 _ **You, who wish to safeguard the fut -**_

 _"Oi,_ Shinpachi. Where the hell's the strawberry and chocolate parfait I brought from home? I set it down on the floor a minute ago and now it's gone."

"...Why are you asking _me?_ As if I'd eat it. I don't want to get diabetic. Ane-ue's Alien Poison Cooking has already done enough damage to my body. Ask Kagura and the black hole she has for a stomach. Don't drag me into this."

... _Ahem._

 _ **...You, who wish to safeguard the future,**_

 _ **however limite -**_

 _"Oi._ Confess, you sweets-thieving China Girl. Where has my prescribed daily source of sugar disappeared to, huh? It was you, _huh?_ Isn't that chocolate cream I see on your traitorous nose, _huh?!_ "

 _"... Gurgle...Burp._ I did not do it. The parfait must have spontaneously combusted. It is the only logical explanation. I hear it is a scientifically proven natural phenomenon."

"Liar. You just gobbled it too fast and you couldn't digest it, didn't you, you smelly sukonbu maniac. I swear I'll -"

 _ **... HOWEVER LIMITED it may be -**_

 _CRAAAASH!_

"...I am sorry. I did not understand that last sentence very well, Gin-chan, over the sound of the floor breaking."

"...I said nothing. Didn't you say something, Patsuan? I'm sure it was you."

"Again, don't drag me into this, Gin-san. I'm trying to find a snack machine in this weird place. I'm hungry."

 _ **...YOU will be GIVEN -**_

"I approve, Shinpachi. Go and look for food. That parfait was not really eno -... It is a pity that Gin-chan's parfait has spontaneously combusted."

"...This isn't over yet, you food kleptomaniac with a cheongsam. Anyways, Shinpachi, just ask Zura. He's the one who's supposed to be in charge of stuff. ...Ah, dammit. I don't really want to be his errand boy, whatever his job is supposed to be."

 _ **ONE...**_

 _ **...year; -**_

"I don't know who this new employer of his is. You're the one who said _'Let's crash his job'_ , Gin-san. I thought you at least knew what he was doing."

"What else could I do? In what universe does Zura get a job, or generally does _anything_ without dragging us into it? Can you think of a single time? As if he didn't bug me enough with the damn Joui Patriots thing already. I thought I might as well get some retribution. Plus, thanks to the double Fatality of that violent omnivore and her giant-shit pet on my funds, I'm completely broke again, and there hasn't been a shadow of a client in the office for weeks."

 _ **...go forth witho -**_

 _"Again,_ Gin-chan? I thought you were _always_ broke... Maybe the money has spontaneously combusted as well."

"Your right to speak has spontaneously combusted long ago, thief. Be quiet. My wallet is emptier than Zura's brain, and the old hag is going to start gassing my house if you don't pay for all the food you shove down your throat every frigging day. Now open that dump of a mouth and give me back my strawberry parfait! I need _sugar_ , dammit!"

 _ **...WITHOUT falter,**_

 _ **with your heart as your -**_

"Gin-san, wait! I think I found a drink machine here! There's all sorts of weirdly named cans."

"Ooh! Good, Shinpachi! Quick, check if there's some money left in the slot."

"...How low are you possibly going to stoop, without even an ounce of shame? Are you really an adult? Have you been hanging out with Hasegawa-san too much, recently?"

 _ **... with your HEART as your -**_

"You are far too naive, Patsuan. _You_ aren't the one who has responsibility over a violent girl who eats like a shounen Protagonist, a dog as big as three bodybuilders on a human pyramid that does nothing but eat, shit, piss and try to bite my naturally permed head off, and a pair of glasses. _I_ am. You couldn't possibly understand the struggles of a parent. Grow up a little and drink your milk. And go tidy up your room before going out to play with your friends, or you'll be grounded for a month, young man."

"Why are you giving me the angry mother treatment, all of a sudden? The word _responsibility_ sounds like an insult coming from _your_ mouth in the first place, Gin-san. And you'd better listen to your own advice... Hey, wait a second, where am I in that group? I didn't hear my description. I couldn't be the pair of glasses, could I? You couldn't seriously think my character is nothing but a pair of glasses, could you?"

 _ **...YOUR HEART AS Y -**_

"Besides, even if you _did_ get money, you're just planning to waste it all at the pachinko parlor, aren't you? I'm right, aren't I?! I can see right through you, you shameless NEET! And you dare talk to me about _responsibility?!"_

 _"I plead the Fourth._ No, was it the Fifth? Dammit, I forgot to watch yesterday's episode of that law drama... I wonder if Takuto-kun won the trial against the evil prosecutor Shinichi-san. Was there a love scene between him and Saya-chan?! Aw, damn... Is there a TV in here? Besides, Shinpachi, I'm done with pachinko. I have been enlightened. I am henceforth a new man. You can actually cheat much better if you pla-..."

 _ **...WILL YOU PEOPLE**_ _ **EVER**_ _ **SHUT UP?!**_

A hard, leather-bound tome flew across the blue room with the speed of a torpedo, hitting Sakata Gintoki square on the head and throwing him down on the plush blue floor.

 _"BLARGH!_ O-oi, _Zura!"_ he yelled at the black-haired man, a fist-sized bump growing on his temple, "What the hell do you think you're doing, dammit?! You could have _killed_ me, you idiot wig-man!"

"It's not Zura, it's _Katsura!_ I told you a thousand times not to call me that, but you never listen! And _I_ should be the one to ask you that question, Gintoki!"

The long-haired leader of the Joui Patriots hastily rose from his seat and stormed towards the group of three, who were sitting in a circle on the floor near a table, in the center of a very blue room.

"What on Earth do you think you are doing?! Would you all _please_ stop interrupting me, while I am attempting to read a deep, highly _philosophical_ introduction?! I was trying to set the atmosphere for the game, and you completely ruined it with all your babbling!"

"I don't give a damn about your dumbass intro," the silver-haired man retorted, rubbing the swelling right over his left eyebrow. "Kids these days always skip right through the intro videos, anyway. Video-gaming is not how it used to be. They want more action and less psychology, those damn 12 year olds. Give them something to shoot at and you'll sell. More importantly, Kagura stole my parfait -"

"- I did not." Kagura, the girl with a yellow-outlined red cheongsam, answered. "It was _spontaneous combustion_ of matter."

"...Your ass will be the next thing to spontaneously combust if you don't shut up. Well, I'm friggin' _broke_ ," Gintoki continued, glowering at Kagura, "and cherry on top, there's not even a Jump in this stupid blue room. I think I have _lots_ more problems than you, idiot."

"In case you did not notice, Gintoki, -" Zura said -

"It's _not_ Zura, it's _Katsura!_ How difficult could that _possibly_ be?!"

 _...Whatever, man. I'm just doing my job._

"Why is even Narrator-dono against me...? Could you be... an envoy of the Shogun, sent to thwart my plans?" _Zura_ hissed, fuming, pointing at a random spot on the ceiling.

"...Ignoring me, are you... Very well," the black-haired patriot unsheathed his sword. "I shall find you, evil dog of the Bakufu, no matter where you are, and slay you with my own two hands! Prepare yourself!"

With these words, Zura swung his katana and started to slash at the soft cushions of blue material lining the walls of the room, maniacally prodding in the white stuffing inside each with the sword while his three friends watched deadpan.

"Um, Gin-san..." Shimura Shinpachi sighed, pushing his trusty glasses up on the bridge of his nose. "I think Katsura-san _might_ have missed the fact that there's no Bakufu in this videogame... In fact, I suspect he just doesn't get it, in general."

"Forget him. He's not worth the trouble. Look at how happy he is. Do you think he could have brought a Jump with him?" Gintoki said, sprawling down on the blue couch left unattended by _Zura_ -

"I _heard_ you, Narrator! Come out and face me, coward!" Zura yelled, pointlessly prying open another section of blue velvet quilt.

The walls were by then starting to suspiciously resemble the ones you find in horror movies and asylums, minus the bloodshed, but no one seemed to care.

"Oi, Gin-chan!" Kagura called to Gintoki with a yawn. "What kind of job do we have to do in this boring old room? It is all blue and so gloomy. Blue is _not_ trendy. I feel red would be much more fashionable."

"...Dunno. I was just following Zura when he suddenly disappeared. I started feeling sleepy, and I passed out. When I woke up, I was here with only a strawberry parfait in my hands," Gintoki answered, lazily scratching his curly silver hair. "He mumbled something when I woke up that I guess was an explanation. Honestly, I stopped listening to him at _'Hello, Gint-'_. The rest is kinda blurry to me. Enough about him. I need _s-u-g-a-r_. Where is my sugar?"

"...Elizabeth-san," Shinpachi addressed the weirdly costumed Amanto, Zura's trusted partner, standing right behind the couch where Gintoki was whining. "Do you know anything about this new job of yours?"

The bird-like mascot swiftly took out a placard from behind her back. She scribbled on it hastily for a couple of minutes and turned it towards the black-haired boy.

The three Yorozuya, curious, drew closer to read what was written on it in sharpie.

"The hell? What language is this? Elvish?" Gintoki asked, squinting his drooping eyes, trying to discern the words.

"No, Gin-san. It's just a really long explanation, so it's written really small to fit on the placard," Shinpachi answered, fixing the glasses on his face in order to get a better look.

"Well, if you're so _clever_ , you read it to us, Patsuan," Kagura replied, sitting down on the floor again. "Prove us your worth, Glasses-kun."

"I can't see anything. I'm going blind. I need sugar. You, thief. This is all your fault. Go and find me some strawberry milk as compensation," Gintoki said, lightly hitting Kagura with the tip of his booted foot and receiving a punch to the shin in response.

"... Calm down, you two..." the young man frowned at his two friends, then approached the written placard, rolling his eyes in resignation.

"Let's see... It says here: _'Welcome to the Velvet Room, Yorozuya. I hope you are well. I will now take upon myself the task to explain why you three have been teleported in this videogame. You see, Katsura-san and I are here to substitute Igor, a very respectable old gentleman who happens to be the former inhabitant of this Velvet Room, a place between dream and reality, mind and matter."_

"What kinda crappy explanation is that supposed to be?" Gintoki interrupted, still clutching his shin in pain, "Sounds like the cheap payoff for the advertisement of a shady love hotel."

 _"...The videogame we currently reside in is called Persona 3. Its plotline rests in our capable hands, Igor-san said before bidding us goodbye, leaving for a vacation to a five-star resort in California -"_

"...Vacation?" Gintoki intervened once again, "Oi, since when do videogame characters just up and go on _vacation?_ Are you sure he wasn't just bored of his shitty job?"

"Hey, I'm just reading what's written on here," Shinpachi answered. "Next it says: _'We are to assist the Male Protagonist, Arisato Minato (apparently there is a Female Protagonist too, in the Portable edition), in his chivalrous quest to save the world from the plague of the Shadows, monsters who feed on human emotions and souls and who represent humanity's most dangerous adversary -"_

"...More importantly, why the hell can't we get the _girl_ protagonist, again?" The silver-haired man interjected. "Now _that_ would be a job for me. All girl protagonists are hyper cute in videogames. I don't really want to babysit a kid, even less if he's a _guy_. It's not going to end well. What if he's an annoying hipster? Or an Emo? What if he reads G-Fantasy instead of Jump? I don't feel qualified to deal with that kind of situation."

"At least wait until I finish reading, Gin-san. We're going to spend the whole first chapter on this placard if you don't shut up," Shinpachi scoffed. "And again, you're not one to talk about being useful to society. Um... Where was I? Ah, yes. _'In the beginning, only Katsura-san and I were supposed to be recruited as substitutes. However, when Igor-dono noticed that you lot were trying to find work yourselves by stalking Katsura-san in order to find out what his new job was, he smiled and said he would be more than willing to give all of you an opportunity. Therefore, he teleported you here and sent all of his other employees on a paid holiday to the beautiful sandy beaches of Maldives. Such a kind hearted man, Igor-dono. So caring about his assistants."_

"...Now I'm sure he was just bored, the damn old fart," Gintoki remarked. "He just couldn't wait to find some idiots to trick into this so he could leave and have fun. I bet he's laughing his wrinkly ass off while sipping tequila. Who up and leaves his job to a bunch of strangers he just picked at random on the street? _Zura_ , at that?"

"It's... NOT... Zura... It's... _Katsura!"_ the man in question yelled in-between the manic stabbing.

"Glasses-kun, this whole explanation is far too long. Ten words or less is the key," Kagura said, lazily picking her nose. "Just skip to the relevant points already. I am hungry."

 _"You_ shut up, Parfait-Thief the Third." Gintoki fumed.

"How could I know in advance what the relevant points are? What am I, a summary?" Shinpachi retorted, angered. "And I thought I told you two to stop interrupting me! Man, now I know how Katsura-san must feel like -" he paused for a second, while watching the leader of the most feared terrorist group in Edo lift the tablecloth and peek under the table, still looking for an invisible Narrator he would clearly never find. "... Never mind what I said. I take everything back. Now, then -"

He turned back to Elizabeth's placard and continued reading. " _The plot of Persona 3 is focused on the use of Personas, reflections of a person's soul that the Protagonist and his friends summon in order to fight the Shadows. Their role is incredibly important, since they are the only weapon through which the monsters who plague humanity may be defeated. Now then, since all of the main characters' Personas have gone on vacation to a charming little town by the sea in Italy as instru -'_ ...Heeey. Wait a minute."

Shinpachi interrupted himself this time, frowning at the placard. "These Persona things are the only ones who can fight the Shadows and they just leave while the world is in danger...? Isn't that kind of... irresponsible? They go stuff their monster bellies in Italy with lasagnas, Nutella and tiramisu, like that, leaving everyone else in the gutter? Don't they give a damn if their owners get, say, _slaughtered?_ What about that _'reflection of your own soul'_ thing?"

"Oi, Shinpachi," Gintoki butted in, yawning on the blue sofa with his hands behind his neck and his eyes closed. "Don't tell us not to interrupt, if you're going to interrupt yourself anyway."

"Well, what can I do?" the younger male answered, "Since I'm busy reading the placard, you've been stealing all of my straight man lines, Gin-san. I have to make my character appealing to the readers before they start thinking I'm only a pretty boy with a pair of glasses."

"But you _are_ a pair of glasses, Shinpachi," Kagura replied, slowly standing. "...Are you going through a self-denial phase, Patsuan? You should not worry. I, Gin-chan, Ane-go and all of the others are going to support you. Do not give up. We accept you for what you are. Here, dry up your tears," she said, wiping his glasses with a handkerchief.

"You are _really_ irritating sometimes, you know, both of you. Ah, forget it. I won't let it get to me. NOW," Shinpachi let his glasses be cleaned, knowing that it was pointless to argue with the young girl, and then turned back to the placard, again. "I'm going to finish this, so shut up, you two idiots _. Ahem._ _'... Now then, since all of the Personas have gone on vacation to a charming little town by the sea in Italy as instructed by Igor and his three assistants, you lot will substitute them in protecting humanity whole, an extremely hazardous and possibly deadly task from which there may be no return. I hope you'll enjoy yourselves. May the odds be ever in your favor.'_

...

...

... W- _What?_

... That's it?"

"...Huh?" Gintoki opened an eye.

 _"...Aru?"_ Kagura mindlessly swung her umbrella around.

For a minute there was perfect silence in the Velvet Room.

"E- _eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh?!"_ Shinpachi screamed, his mouth hanging open. "Wha-what the _hell?!_ Twenty lines of pointless explanation about where those lazy bums were going on vacation, and you dump this bomb on us in _three seconds_ like that?! And why the hell are you stealing someone else's lines in the end, there?! Are you making fun of us?!"

"Oi. Oi. Oi, oi _, oooi."_ Gintoki nervously babbled. "Wha... What the hell does it mean, _'you will substitute them in protecting humanity'_? Huh? Who, us? This... This was supposed to be a stupid, easy job, wasn't it. Are you telling me they're dumping the Earth's future on our shoulders...? Because that's a _big_ dump. A lot bigger than Sadaharu's. _Gigantically_ big. A _humongous_ smelly dump of _shit_ , dammit!"

"Why are you two so nervous?" Kagura yawned, "All we have to do is go and beat down some of those Shadow thingies, is it not so?" She thrust her umbrella forward like a rapier. "Then, we finally eat."

"Read well, _idiooooot!"_ Shinpachi said, sweating bullets, pushing her face two inches from the placard and pointing at it with a finger. "What does it say here?! Doesn't it _specifically_ say _'extremely hazardous and possibly deadly task from which there may be no return'_?! It _does_ , doesn't it?! It means we've crash landed into an RPG with no fighting experience against those soul-eating monsters, and now we have to go and save the world with a clueless bunch of kids, _doesn't it?!_ DOESN'T IT?! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, GIN-SAN!"

"How could I have known about it?!" Gintoki answered, him too sweating profusely. "We were only going to make some easy money and then go back to my strawberry milk! I mean, this was a job assigned to _Zura_! ZU-RA!" he said, pointing at the Joui Patriot still looking around the room with suspicion in his eyes. "It was supposed to be a friggin' walk in the park! Who in the name of Shounen Jump is the utter _idiot_ who leaves the entire world's fate to _ZURA?!_ What the hell was this Igor geezer even _thinking?!_ Is he suicidal?! Couldn't he just jump under a train like everyone else?!"

"O-ok. L-let's try to calm down, Gin-san. Panicking won't get us anywhere." Shinpachi let out a shaky breath, slumping down on the floor. "...There _must_ be a way to get out of this. There has to be. Or else we'll get our souls eaten and our heads munched on. I-I don't wanna die so young. I don't wanna be eaten by a monster. I still haven't found love that isn't virtual. I still have to go to that Otsuu-chan concert..."

"I... I still didn't get to eat enough strawberry parfaits," Gintoki whispered, sitting down next to Shinpachi, "I still didn't get enough money. I still didn't get to see how my own manga ends. More importantly, I still didn't get inside Ketsuno Ana's bed, or inside Ketsuno Ana for that matte-... _Oh_. Wait, I know, I know. We must _run_ , Shinpachi," he said in a low voice, roughly shaking his comrade's shoulder. "Things are not looking good. At _all._ Let's beat it. _Now._ Before Zura notices us, we have to grab that little thief if we really must, and get the _hell_ outta here. Then we'll be back to our own stupid manga, the Gorilla will draw another stupid chapter, and everything will be alright."

"That's a wonderful idea, Gin-san!" Shinpachi mumbled conspiratorially. "Ok, ok. Before Katsura-san can react, we jump up, run to that door over there and get out of here. Alright? Ready? On the count of three." The bespectacled boy crouched like a tiger ready to pounce and faced the blue door to the outside of the room.

"One... _Two..._ **T-!"**

 _"Oooooi_ , Zuuuraaa..." Kagura suddenly yelled at the long-haired Joui Patriot, waltzing towards the table with her trusty umbrella on her shoulder. "I am hungry. Are those Shadow thing monsters eatable?"

The two young men, who had already sprung up, came to a screeching halt and fell face-first to the floor.

 _You omnivore idiooooooooooooooooooooooot!_

"...Why, Leader," Zura said, having recovered from his pathetic and unsightly moment of madness. "...I _do_ still hear you, you Narrator dog. However, I elect to henceforth ignore your meddling. A task was assigned to me, and I shall see it to completion. As I was saying, Leader, I am delighted to see you so eager to work. Worry not, for I have everything neatly prepared. By the way, it's not Zura, it's Katsura."

"...There is no hope left in this cursed world. We're dead. We are _so_ friggin' _dead_..." Gintoki grabbed his hair in his own hands and banged his head on the floor. Hard. Repeatedly.

"W-wait, Gin-san. Katsura-san seems confident," Shinpachi said, trying to cheer him, and himself, up. "L-let's give him a chance. Maybe he has a plan to get us out of thi-"

 _"Listen,_ my friends and fellow patriots!" Zura recited in a steady tone, standing on the blue cloth-covered table in the center of the room, sword raised in the air. "A new obstacle we must now surpass! The world's future is in our capable hands, oh brothers! We shall follow our comrade Igor-dono's path, and we shall purge this world, too, from the evil servants of the Bakufu, the accursed Shadow Amanto who intend to destroy our troops in order to raise the Shogun even higher in his throne of lies!"

 _He got it completely wrooooooooooooooooong!_

"Hear me, my comrades!" Zura continued in utmost seriousness, gesturing towards Gintoki and Shinpachi, "Each of you shall assist one of our allies from this videogame. I want you to show them the basics and prove the strength of your hearts! Did I make myself clear?!"

"Yes, Captain Zura!" Kagura answered, rigidly saluting, umbrella at the ready like a sword upright on her shoulder. "Our mission is to haunt those brats in their sleep until they give us something to eat! Operation _I'm Hungry So Let's Go Look For Food Even If I Have To Listen To Zura To Obtain It_ , codename _IHSLGLFFEIIHTLTZTOI_ is a GO!"

 _What kind of twisted conversation is thiiiiiiiiis?! One who always thinks about his terrorist group and one who only thinks about her damn fooood?! And what the hell is up with that ridiculous name?! There's no point in having a codename that sounds like something written by a toddler banging a fist on the keyboard!_

"Splendid, Leader! Your courage is an inspiration to the Joui Patriots whole! And it's not Captain Zura, it's Captain Katsura."

 _Do those two idiots even hear one another?! Do they speak Idiotish and it's us who can't understand?! That's some fine selective hearing you have there, you Dumbass Patriot!_

"Oi! Zura!" Gintoki decided to intervene before something quite irreparable happened. "Stop this already! There is _no_ Bakufu in this damn videogame! We don't want to fight! I just want to go home and eat sweets and read my Jump!"

"There is no need to be scared, Gintoki," Zura said with a calm expression, "for the fangs of the Shogun shall never reach us here. Or, well, _me_. You people are going outside to fight, and I shall coordinate you from here with Elizabeth. But fear not! I know of your capabilities, Gintoki! The famed Shiroyasha shall rise again for a just cause! I fear I may cry a little..."

As he muttered these last few words, Zura took a brush from the table and swiftly signed a paper in black ink, with an elegant flourish. He then lifted it up towards a very focused Kagura and the very sweaty Gintoki and Shinpachi.

"I, Katsura Kotarou, chooseth this fate of mine own free will! With the sign of the Contract, our mission begins, my comrades!" The long-haired man yelled, glorious in his heroic posture. "Proceed forth without faltering, and slay those accursed Bakufu dogs! GO! You are dismissed! Fare thee well!"

"Idioooooooo _ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot!"_ Shinpachi yelled before being swallowed up by a blue whirlwind and disappearing.

"The Queen of Kabuki-cho is on the job! Wait for me, Shaaa _aaaaaadoooooooooows_!" Kagura said before vanishing as well.

" _Dammit,_ Zura, when I come back from this I swee _eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaar...!_ " Gintoki angrily barked, trying to resist but eventually being transported away by the strange magic as well.

"Very well, Elizabeth," Zura, left alone in the room, addressed his partner. "It is now time for us to get some tea ready for our guest."

* * *

 _Some time later, in the Velvet Room..._

"Now then, Minato-dono," Zura addressed the Protagonist, Arisato Minato, a blue-haired boy whose hair covered one side of his face. "I trust your quest against the accursed Shadow Amanto is proceeding well?"

Minato just stared at Zura, sitting on Igor's couch and dressed in Igor's suit, with the expression of someone who had just witnessed his beloved grandmother turn into a mecha-Godzilla.

 _Heeeeeeey. Hey._ _ **Hey.**_ _What exactly is this? What am I even seeing?_ the young boy thought, staring blankly at the two people in front of him.

 _Where is Igor? Who is this weirdo with wonderful hair? ...Seriously, it's way too beautiful. No man should have such perfect hair. It's unsettling. I feel like those black perfect locks are telling me I've been living my life wrong. And what the hell is he babbling about? Minato-dono? Quest? Why is he speaking like Ono-sensei during one of his lectures on the Sengoku era? Not that he actually teaches us anything else. ...Could they be related?_

 _And what the heck are Shadow Amantos, anyway? More importantly, don't tell me that... is it a duck? Don't tell me that... duck thing is supposed to be Elizabeth. Why is it dressed like her? It even has a wig and a little hat. This is way too awkward... Is this supposed to be a cosplay event I knew nothing about? Did I get drugged by some Shadow, or more likely, has Fuuka's cooking finally taken effect?_

It took him a good two minutes before recovering the ability to speak and wisely deciding that this particular Velvet Room was not really a Velvet Room he'd like to stay in for more than absolutely necessary.

"Uh... Excuse me, do I know you?" he began, "...Because I don't really think I do. You see, I'm surrounded by assorted monsters and weirdos daily, so, um, I really think I'd remember if at some point in time Igor had turned suddenly younger and Elizabeth into a... a... weird _duck?_ ...Well, what do you know. It must be my mistake. I got into the, uh, wrong magically appearing room! There's lots of them out there, all looking the same, easy to get lost..." The boy started to get up from his seat with careful movements, as if the grandma-mecha-Zilla was threatening to stab him with knitting needles. "I- I think I'm going to, um, leave now, and wake up from this weird Tartarus-induced illusion. If you'll excuse me..."

"... Oh, my, you do not have to feel embarrassed, Minato-dono," Zura continued with perfect nonchalance, Elizabeth pushing Minato back down on the chair. "I know it must be very shocking for you, to have the leader of the Joui Patriots in front of you, in person. I understand your confusion. Fear not, you shall have my autograph later."

"Uh... yeah, no thanks. I really don't think you properly understood what I said. Listen, um, sir...?"

"It's not Supreme Leader, it's Katsura," the long-haired man interrupted.

"... Great. Yes." Minato said _. Who ever called him Supreme Leader?_ "As I was saying, uh, Katsura-san, I think you must have the wrong person. I... certainly see this is undoubtedly the Velvet Room... Even if the walls are not _exactly_ how I remembered them..." he looked at the completely torn up velvet quilting with a certain discomfort.

Then it hit him.

 _Oh God, I know. This is some sort of nasty nightmare, isn't it. I used to enter the room in my dreams, after all... Maybe my nightmare is influencing the Velvet Room...! Dammit, I'll never accept any questionable drink from Junpei again. I bet it's that asshole's fault and he doesn't even know. I'm so going to send him through Tartarus in his swimming trunks. Wait, no. I'm going to make him wear Akihiko-senpai's speedo. Even better. I want to see him suffer for the headache I'm going to get by staying in this room._

 _Then again... How do I even get out of this mess now?_

"Uuh... um..." the blue haired boy swallowed, desperately wracking his brain for a suitable course of action. "A-as I said, I think I'm not the one you're looking for, so... If I could just leave...? I was kinda about to enter Tartarus, so..."

"I understand, Minato-dono," Zura said, nodding his head with a serious expression, mimicked by Elizabeth. "Indeed, the exploration of enemy territory is paramount. The Amanto might strike any second. I see that Igor-dono was not wrong in appointing you as our commander."

"Uh... Katsura-san, did you hear me? I just told you I'm the wrong person... I don't want to be commander of _anything_..."

"Please, Minato-dono. Do not belittle yourself so," the black-haired man said, bending forward towards the teenager, who couldn't help but retreat as much as he could in his chair. "I am quite sure you are a great leader, someone even I, leader of the Joui Patriots, can respect as an equal. I assure you, you are the very best person for this mission."

 _And I assure you I'm_ _ **not**_ _, dammit!_ Minato thought, _Is he even listening to me?! The more I tell him I don't want anything to do with this, the more he insists!_

"...And you will not be alone in this battle. I, Elizabeth and all of our comrades will gladly assist you as you point your blade at the Shogun's throat."

 _What I'd really like to do with a blade is shove it down_ _ **your**_ _own friggin' throat! How much longer are you going to pull thi- wait._

"Wait." he said aloud, really hoping he'd heard wrong, for once. "...Did you say _comrades?_ Whose comrades? ... _Yours?"_

"Indeed," Zura nodded again with a satisfied look. "I know nothing about your former... What was the name, Elizabeth?" he said, turning towards the... whatever it was.

The duck took out something, a sort of placard, from under her replica of the true Elizabeth's dress, scribbled on it, then turned it towards Zura.

"Oh, yes. _Persona._ As I was saying, Minato-dono, I know nothing about your former Persona, but I am positive you shall find my chosen replacements satisfying."

He stared at Minato with visible elation.

 _...Wait._

 _Wait, wait, wait, waaaaaaaait._

 _He couldn't have said it. He did NOT replace my hard-earned Persona with his own crap, did he. Nooo, he didn't. God isn't this cruel. I've done nothing to deserve this. Are you telling me I trained them up to level 70 for nothing?! Seriously?! Oh let this be a nightmare..._

"Wait, wait, wait!" he repeated aloud for good measure, slamming his hands on the table. "Y-you're joking, right? You ARE, right? Because you couldn't possibly take all of my Persona away when I'm literally two minutes from a Guardian battle... _right?!"_

"Oh no, no, Minato-dono." Zura giggled and waved a hand in front of his nose dismissively.

"Oh God, thank you -" Minato said, wiping off cold sweat from his forehead.

"...You see, it is not that all of YOUR Personas have disappeared," the samurai continued cheerfully, "but more like ALL of the Personas have disappeared, you see."

"... ... ... W... ... Wh _at...?"_ theblue-haired boy asked in a strangled grunt, cold dread gripping his spine.

"Well... It is quite a long story, I fear. Elizabeth," Zura asked his comrade, standing right next to him, "would you be so kind as to explain the facts to Minato-dono again?"

At those words, the duck-Elizabeth took out another placard and pointed it toward Minato.

 _... There really is no way I can avoid reading this... is there?_ the Persona-user asked himself as he started to decipher the minuscule letters on the placard.

* * *

 **Just an introductory note to thank you for reading. If someone will ever read this at all.**

 **I must dedicate this silly new work to Silent Hero 13-senpai, who inspired me with his bottomless wisdom while we were happily discussing our favorite characters in Persona 3.**

 **Of course, Gintama found its way into the discussion somehow before we knew it. Gintama is love. Gintama is life. There exists no game nor anime nor manga with which a Gintama crossover is not possible. I bow to Senpai's kindness and knowledge! I shall not let Senpai down, now that he has finally noticed me.**

 **Hope you enjoyed!**


	2. It's Not Tartarus, It's Katsura

**DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Gintama, nor Persona 3, nor any of their characters or situations. I only own my stupid plot. If you really want to call it that.**

* * *

 _My thoughts and prayers to all the victims of last night's attacks in Paris and their relatives._

* * *

 _ **Chapter 2**_

 _ **It's Not Tartarus, It's Katsura.**_

* * *

 _Clank!_

A spotlight shone down in the obscurity on a certain blue-haired Protagonist, shoulders slumped and head drooping towards the floor as he walked, pondering on the many struggles of life, one heavy step after another.

 _Now then... Let's see._

 _My life so far hasn't been all that impressive._

 _At age six I lost my parents in the incident at the Moonlight Bridge. Yeah, I know, poor little thing, forced to move from school to school and thrown around like a ball by people who absolutely did not give a shit about him, and all that. And people wonder why I look emo. Well, truth is, I don't really remember much about those times. I've always been the quiet type, so I never made any true friends. I guess I just waltzed through life like a normal, clueless student._

 _But it's not like I ever disrespected my teachers or my elders. I always go visit my parents' graves like a good child does. I help old ladies cross the road. I never brought gravure magazines to school. I most certainly never had a maid fetish. I do not find pleasure in being called Master and I absolutely do not enjoy being served by well-endowed females wearing lacy white aprons in questionable cafés filled with otakus and perverts._

 _... Really. I_ _ **don't**_ _._

 _Then I came here to Port Island, and all of this Persona thing landed on my shoulders out of nowhere. Seriously. I arrive in a new city, and what's the first thing I see? Coffins. Isn't this a town full of warmth and sunshine. That damn pamphlet was a gigantic lie. What sort of crappy welcome is that? Did you run out of party balloons and streamers?_

 _And suddenly, I'm some sort of all-powerful videogame Protagonist with a never-before-seen power. Isn't that what all teenagers dream of?_

 _But I never let it get to my head. I've always respected my senpai. Even if I might just be a lot more powerful than them. No false modesty. I'm always the nice mature leader who lets it go whenever Junpei tries to question every little thing I do, even if I'd very much love to pound his face into the ground sometimes._

 _But that's alright, that's what friends do. Friends eat their friend's likely radioactive and certainly unhealthy cooking with a smile and try to run off to the bathroom to vomit when she's looking the other way, without being too obvious. Friends gently point out to their pals that their pick-up lines might improve a whole lot if they just strayed a little from the usual 'I'm-obsessed-with-training-and-I-cannot-be-bothered-to-find-anything-else-to-discuss-so-let's-have -fun-with-sports-related-things-you-do-not-give-a-shit-about' approach._

 _All in all, I've always been a respectable guy. The quiet, clever, handsome transfer student with a mysterious aura who, deep down, is a sweet guy who cares about his friends. Perfect boyfriend material who does_ _ **not**_ _have a maid fetish._

 _So, then, all things considered..._

 _What_ _ **exactly**_ _did I ever do to deserve this...?_

Minato sighed, walking uneasily in front of his group of friends through floor 109 of Tartarus, in the Third Block, Yabbashah, all the while inwardly struggling with the sensation of imminent doom on his shoulders and outwardly sweating bullets.

 _Oh crap, oh crap... I've never been in so deep a shit since the last time I wore diapers._

Trying to calm down his racing heartbeat, Minato snuck a peek back to his three comrades, following behind him and utterly unaware of his worries.

His (self-proclaimed) best friend and (self-proclaimed) "second in command", Iori Junpei, was, as usual, strolling through the bluish corridors with an optimistic spring to his step, whistling some pop tune, true to his class-clown personality. He seemed to be in an exceptionally good mood, even for his standards: a fact that, unsurprisingly, only fueled Minato's anger.

 _Damn you... What are you so happy about when all this mess is likely nothing but your damn expired drink's fault?! And why are you waltzing around yodeling like Heidi on her way to meet Peter?! You'll only be whistling out of your ass when I'm done with you!_

"Hm? Minato, you ok?" Junpei was compelled to ask, eyeing his friend with confusion while the latter glowered at him, surrounded by a dark cloud of murderous aura. "You look kinda... aggravated. Do you feel sick or anything?"

"... ... ... ... ... Ah, no. It's nothing. _At all,"_ the blue-haired Leader answered with a perfectly innocent grin, waving his hand in a denying gesture and turning back again.

"He's just focused on the upcoming battle... Unlike you, _Stupei_ ," a female voice snapped. "But that's okay, nobody was expecting you to be, anyway. Don't feel pressured or anything."

Takeba Yukari was staring disapprovingly at her classmate, a sturdy-looking wooden bow already in her hand, which she promptly set to use by smacking it, without the slightest trace of hesitation or mercy, on the back of Junpei's head. "Quit whistling like the creep you are and concentrate already. We're on an important mission, remember? Stop daydreaming about whatever idol you're currently obsessed with."

"I thought I told you to stop calling me that, Yuka-tan! Come on!" Junpei scoffed, rubbing the sore spot. "And I'll have you know I am _perfectly_ focused! I was... chanting a sutra. You know, to pray for our good fortune, to prepare my raging soul for the battle...? _Namu Amida Butsu, Namu Amida Butsu..._ "

"Astounding, Stupei. I didn't know there was a Buddhist sutra with the exact same tune of _Lift It Up_ *," Yukari replied with a roll of her hazel eyes. "Where has Japan got to? No respect for religion whatsoever. The monks should charge the producer for plagiarism."

"Ah, Yuka-tan, you just don't get it," Junpei shook his head, with an attitude reeking of superiority. "Idols are the true deities of today. Their songs are the hymns that lead our generation to a brighter tomorrow."

"The fact that I'm in the same generation as _you_ makes me want to _lose faith_ in tomorrow, actually. I suddenly feel like joining a cult and waiting for the Apocalypse in an underground shelter."

"Bah. I am a true man, a hero in the night, who walks with his head held high and does not deny his true self. Unlike _someone_ , who still hides her shoujo manga behind her textbooks in class and thinks nobody notices."

"W- _wha-..."_ Yukari flashed beet red at these words. "I... I do NOT read shoujo mangas! I'm... I'm an adult woman! And I especially hate t-that fan-made doujinshi crap full of naked hot guys!"

Junpei's shit-eating grin was physically painful, even for Minato, who could not see it. "Don't worry, Yuka-tan, your secret is safe with me. I'm your friend. I won't judge you for being a closet fujioshi*. Everyone has their hobbies, no? So what if under that mature façade you're actually a pervert."

"Youuuu-" The hazel-haired girl fumed, her grip on her bow tightening.

"You two, can you tune it down already?" The senior of the group, Sanada Akihiko, grumbled with a pained expression, rubbing his temples. "All the yelling is making my ears ring..."

"Hm? Senpai, do you have a headache?" Minato turned around faster than light, looking at Akihiko with expectant, pleading eyes.

 _Please DO have a headache and give me an excuse to get out of this..._

"Yeah, kind of-" the senior replied.

"YES!" Minato inadvertently shouted out loud.

Everyone, speechless, looked at the blue-haired leader with a questioning look.

"Uh, I mean, _thank goodness_ it's just a headache!" Minato corrected himself on the fly. "I, I thought it was, uh, like, brain cancer or something. I'm so _happy_ you're... mostly alright, senpai!"

"... I don't really follow your logic, but I assure you it's nothing so serious," the older male answered. "It's really just a minor headache."

"So, who's the culprit this time? Fangirls again?" Junpei asked, with just a hint of jealousy.

"No, that's not it..." Akihiko sighed. "I went to Aohige Pharmacy today to get my usual protein powder, but it was out of stock, so I had to buy one of all of the other brands and taste-test them to find one with the exact same nutritional levels. I think I've had a bit too much, and my head's swirling for some reason."

 _...Is he an idiot? Couldn't he just read the labels...? Or is he a protein sommelier? Could be, since I've never seen him drink anything else. Actually, I don't think I want to know._

"Uh... Wouldn't you usually get just one of another brand, just for this one time? I mean, what's the difference? It's just powdery stuff," Junpei suggested, uninterestedly.

An uncomfortable, awkward silence followed.

"..."

"..."

"..." _MORON._

"Uh, senpa-...?" Junpei continued, turning back towards the boxer, only to be met with a very serious and scowling upperclassman, who seized his shoulder in a vicious grip.

"What are you talking about?" Akihiko frowned, a new, passionate light shining in his eyes. "Of course there's a difference in the various types of protein powder."

"...Now you've done it, Stupei." Yukari sighed, planting a palm on her face and bracing herself.

"Listen," Akihiko started with a schooling, mechanical tone as all of his teammates winced simultaneously. "Protein powders come in various forms. The three common ones are whey, soy, and casein protein. _"Whey is the most commonly used, because it's a water-soluble milk protein," says Peter Horvath, PhD, associate professor in the department of exercise and nutrition sciences at the State University of New York at Buffalo. "It's also a complete protein, so it's got all those advantages." Complete proteins contain all nine of the amino acids necessary for human dietary needs. Whey protein powder is considered the most widely used supplement in sports nutrition. Most commonly associated with strength, speed and power athletes, protein shakes are now used in endurance-based sports too. This is because protein has been shown, through thousands of scientific studies and through independent research, to contribute to both the growth and maintenance of muscle mass. This is why athlete's cupboards all over the world contain protein powder. People who are vegan may prefer soy protein, although Horvath notes that its taste is sometimes considered to be more unpleasant, and it doesn't dissolve as well in water. Protein powders also come with widely varying price tags. If you calculate your protein intake and determine that you're not getting enough for your athletic needs (some signs of too-low protein intake: you're unusually fatigued, feel weak when lifting weights or doing other strenuous activity, or are recovering from injuries slowly) how can you best use protein powders to help you improve your performance? First, ignore the conventional wisdom, which says to take protein powders immediately after a workout. "Before, during, and after a workout, carbs are what your body needs. They're what your body uses for fuel, and what your muscles run on," says Lewin. "Yes, protein is also important for recovery after a workout, but research shows that at that point, the body needs fuel with a 4-1 or 5-1 ratio of carbs to protein." Since most protein powders have at least 20 grams of protein per scoop, you'd need about 80 grams of carbs to go with that scoop to get the proper proportion of nutrients-*"_

"Whoa, whoa, _whoa!_ I get it, I get it, senpai!" Junpei shrieked, waving his hands around to stop his upperclassman's enormously long spiel. "The world of Protein powder is a vast one and it's full of surprises. My bad, I'll be more careful, I swear, that's enough!"

"... As long as you understand," Akihiko nodded with a perfectly straight face, resuming to walk as nothing ever happened.

 _What the hell? Which videogame is this, Torauma Central*? Who's ever going to read that whole gigantic chunk of text... More importantly, why did that sound suspiciously like something copied and pasted from a medical website? Is there something I'm missing here?_

 _...Never mind that. What's really important now is to find a way out of this,_ Minato grimly considered, as he kept walking down the spacious halls in search for the staircase to the next floor, where 99 point an infinite number of 9s percent doom awaited him.

 _Since nothing in my life seems to be going well lately, I'm going to automatically assume the worst and suppose that the new Personas are at least as hopelessly idiotic as their Supreme Leader Tempura, or whatever his name was. That said, I really, really, really,_ _ **really**_ _don't think it's a good idea to entrust them with our lives. Bad idea. Horrible idea._

 _But how do I convince the others to back off when we're already here?! The Guardian Shadow is on the next floor, dammit! I'm running out of time!_

 _I can't just tell them straight out that a weird Samurai guy with a wig replaced all of our Personas with God knows what... honestly, it could be anything from a bank accountant to a used mop. Either way, Mitsuru-senpai would lock me up in one of her mental health institutes. Worse, she might hold me responsible and freeze me down to my most intimate bits. I haven't had the chance to use them enough to be ready to part with them, thank you very much._

 _Mh... Well, since Akihiko-senpai has a protein overdose headache, man I can't believe how stupid that sounds..., maybe if I play my cards right he'll accept to just postpone everything until tomorrow, and I'll have the whole night to think up a strategy in order not to summon our Personas ever again. God, I'm a genius!_

 _Well...To be honest, I doubt it'll actually work, considering it's Mister Battle Freak I'm talking about. But no harm in trying._

"Uh... Akihiko-senpai, I'm very sorry, but if you're not feeling well, I don't really think we should go on for today," Minato spoke with his most reassuring and responsible Leader voice, a worried look on his features. "I know you're eager to fight, but you shouldn't push yourself."

"I'll be alright. It's just a light headache," Akihiko shrugged his concerns off. "I bet it'll go away as soon as I start ripping Shadows apart."

 _Why would killing Shadows be a remedy for headaches? Where does this guy get his medical info from? Rambo movies?_

"E-even so," Minato did not relent, wheels turning in his brain at the speed of light. "...Um, didn't you have a boxing match next week?" To be honest, he had just made that up, but the guy had matches more often than he had breakfast. It couldn't be that far off a guess. "You wouldn't want to get sick just before it, would you."

"Oh, no worries," was the lighthearted response. "If I do get sick, I'll just get some more protein and I'll be fine."

 _I'm starting to suspect this guy's head is as flawed as his social interaction skills. Isn't too much protein the reason why you're feeling sick in the first place, you moroooon?! Is there nothing but protein powder in your brain?!_

"B-but-..." Minato was about to find some other fairly legitimate excuse, when a feminine, gentle voice ringing in his ears interrupted him before he had a chance to speak.

"U... Um, Akihiko-senpai, sorry, but I think Minato-kun is right..." Yamagishi Fuuka's timid voice soothed the group's ears. "Your condition is worsening to Tired. You'll get seriously hurt if you're not careful..." she concluded in a half-whisper.

 _Fuuka... You're the light in an ocean of utter nonsense... I'll eat your cooking for a mon-... a wee-... a whole_ _ **day**_ _after this. I promise, on my honor as a man._

"Senpai, just trust our leader," Yukari intervened as well. "The Shadows aren't going anywhere, after all, and the top of this tower is still very far in the distance. Health's the most important thing for an athlete, no?"

Akihiko thought that over for a long moment and sighed, watching his kouhai and nervously scratching the back of his head.

"Fine... I'll sit this one out," he reluctantly conceded.

 _YEEEEEEES!_

"Oh thank Go- I mean, I'm really sorry, senpai," Minato said, shamelessly feigning sympathy. "Don't worry, we can come here with you another day."

"I guess so." Akihiko smirked, patting his underclassman's shoulder. "Well, then, I'll leave the rest to you, Minato. Go kick that Guardian's ass for me too, alright?"

"Yeah, sur-... _Eh?"_

"Don't you worry, senpai. You can leave this fight to us!" Yukari smiled and posed, jokingly showing off the muscles in her arm. "Piece of cake!"

"Haha, I'm counting on you," the upperclassman chuckled. "I'll head to the teleport device as soon as we get on the next level. You guys make sure to smash that Shadow into bits for me too."

 _Waaaaaaait, isn't this going in the wrong directio-_

"Alriiiighty, then. I guess stuff got even harder, didn't it?" Junpei smirked, scratching the light stubble on his chin. "Well, not a problem. Even if it's just the three of us, our Leader here is hella strong! I mean, how many Personas can you hold, like, 12? And you leveled them up like crazy, man. Practically every Shadow we meet runs with their tails between their legs! ...Oh, look, there's the staircase. Let's go kick some ass, already!"

He landed a noisy slap on Minato's shoulder and walked past SEES' Leader, who stood frozen in the middle of the hallway, his eye twitching.

 _...Ooooooh shhhiii-_

"Um, no, wait, wait," Minato stopped his friends, who were already halfway up the stairs. "I-isn't it better to wait for senpai to recover? It's not like we're in a rush!"

"Huh? It's not such a big deal," Yukari stared at him, confused. "We're at level 70-something. We can crush them like ants any day."

 _No we can't daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammiiiiiit! I wouldn't be surprised if the new Personas were all level_ _ **one**_ _! We're gonna get turned into takoyaki!_

"Uh, well, I-"

As the blue-haired boy desperately tried to find other arguments to prolong the conversation, a shuffling, squishy sound came from somewhere behind the group.

The four teenagers turned away from the staircase, Akihiko already halfway up the third step, and saw a group of five Insidious Maya slowly inch towards them, red masks floating about on a sort of tar-like black stain.

 _Why noooooooooow?! Come on, we haven't met a single enemy all this time! Is someone up there wishing for my death? What will you write on my autopsy? "Legitimate Persona Was On Vacation"?!_

"Minato-kun, be careful!" Yukari shouted, "They're just behind you!"

In the Mariana Trench of his despair, Minato had failed to register the Mayas shuffling even closer to him. The blue-haired boy, last of the group, saw one of the Shadows raise a clawed black limb towards him, aiming for his leg.

 _Oh crap, oh crap... I don't have any other choice, do I-_

Minato gulped, pressing a silvery Evoker to his temple with trembling fingers.

 _Don't be level one... Don't be level one..._

 _Persona!_

 _Cu Chulainn!_

 _CRASH!_

The familiar sound of glass shattering filled the hallway.

Nothing happened.

... ... ... ... ... ... ...

The silence was deafening. And _awkward._

The three friends behind Minato exchanged confused looks as they frantically looked around in search for a Persona.

Even the five Shadows, somehow, had stopped. One of them even cocked its head (its mask?) to the side, as if questioning what was going on.

Minato stood immobile, with his eyes closed.

... ... ... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ... ... _Huh?_

"Uh, Minato-kun," Yukari broke the awkward silence, "I'm pretty sure that didn't work."

 _"...Hah?"_ Was SEES' Leader's only answer as he looked at his Evoker, then to the Shadows.

The five Insidious Maya _stared_.

Yes, even if they had only a red painted mask instead of a face, he could feel them _staring_. Was that sympathy he felt directed at him? One of the masks even shook left and right in a way that, somehow, felt _patronizing_.

He had never felt more mortified in his entire life.

He was being _pitied_. By _Shadows_. Black blobs of jello, at that.

 _... Please just kill me already._

All of a sudden, the uncomfortable silence was broken by a sound that, from an initial distant whisper, rapidly transformed into a high-pitched scream.

"Uuuuuuuuuuuwaaaaa _aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!"_

Three seconds later, the group watched, astounded, as an object dropped from above at incredible speed (from _where_ , exactly, was a mystery that was deemed to remain unsolved, regardless of the efforts of one Ace Detective,) and landed square on one of the Shadows.

 _SPLAT!_

Squished pieces of goo scattered everywhere around the corridor, unceremoniously covering Minato and all of his friends in black drops of tar-like substance.

"Ugh... Ewwwwwwwww!" Yukari squirmed as she stared down at her soiled pink sweater in pure horror. "Disgusting! This was my favorite cardigan!"

"W-what the hell, man?!" Junpei shouted, taking off his baseball cap and trying to clean up his face, but ending up smearing the black substance all over it. "What was _that_ for, Minato?!"

"D-don't ask me!" the blue-haired boy angrily retorted. "It was this guy's fault!" he said, pointing at the writhing figure in the centre of the Shadow's squished body.

Upon closer inspection, the unidentified object seemed to be a boy, likely around Minato's age, with black hair and a pair of glasses. He wore old-style traditional Japanese clothing, made of a white top and blue hakama.

Other than that, he looked utterly plain and wholly uninteresting, Minato judged.

 _...At least I didn't get the used mop, I guess. Look at the positive side, before the suicidal impulse sets in._

"Ow..." the stranger grumbled and winced, rubbing his backside, under which the remains of a shattered mask were scattered. "What the hell was that...? Did I land on something...? Uuuugh, what the...? I squished a bug!" He shrieked, noticing the black mess under his bottoms and practically all over the floor. "Dammit, what kind of freak-ass giant insects do you have in this world?"

"Hey!" Junpei shouted at him, multiple veins popping on his forehead. "What's the big idea, Cu Chulainn?! You think you can make fun of us like that, just 'cause you're level 75 or whatever?! We're friggin' soiled! You're paying every yen of the laundry bill!"

 _You moron, how do you even mistake that shrimp for a seven foot tall warrior?!_ Minato despaired, badly wishing he had a wall to bang his head on and maybe finally pass out. _The only thing they have in common is the black hair! And not even the same length! And how do you plan to get a Persona to pay for your laundry anyway?! That would be_ _ **my**_ _money, bastard!_

"Wait, Junpei, something's weird." Akihiko intervened, messily swiping the goo off his sweater as he looked at the new arrival with suspicion in his eyes.

"Oh yeah, you noticed too, Senpai?" Yukari whispered, apparently confused.

"Well, it's pretty obvious that something's wrong, here. He looks kinda... _different_."

 _Here it goes..._ Minato sighed, defeated. _Now I'm gonna have to explain. Let's get this over and done with._

"Uh, listen, guys, I don't really know if you'll believe me, but-..." he shakily began.

Yukari interrupted him, a hand on his shoulder. She looked him in the eyes, deadly serious.

"Minato-kun, tell me the truth."

"Uh, yes, I was just about to in fa-..."

"Did Cu Chulainn always wear glasses?"

"... ... ...Excuse me?" Minato deadpanned.

"Aha, I knew it!" Junpei nodded profusely, snapping his fingers. "I thought there was something weird with him, too. Where did they come from...? Did his eyesight suddenly go bad? Or is it a fashion statement?"

"No idea. Do Personas even get bad eyesight?" Akihiko wondered. "...Think they might need some protein? I'll have to ask Polydeuces next time."

"Are you people serious?" Minato intervened, dumbfounded. "The first thing you notice is his _glasses...?_ What about the fact that he doesn't have a spear? Or a white armor suit? Or, uh, maybe the fact that he's _completely different from the original?!_ _Your brain_ is the thing that's gone bad! And for the last time, _protein is not a friggin' medicine dammit!_ "

"Nah, never mind," the unfamiliar boy sighed, standing up and wiping the Shadow's remnants off his knees. "I'm used to this by now... It's just that my glasses are the biggest part of my identity as a character. Being a straight-man is never an easy task. Actually, you seem to be doing pretty well with that, um-...?"

"Oh, Minato... Arisato Minato..." the teenager automatically replied, still in a sort of daze.

"Oh, so you're that Protagonist guy. I'm Shimura Shinpachi," the black-haired stranger bowed and introduced himself with a tired smile. "Guess I'm stuck with being your partner for a while, Minato-san. Heaven knows how I wish I wasn't, no offense meant."

"None taken, I assure you. In fact, I wish I could just die now and start a New Game Plus already. I'm totally gonna be the Female Protagonist next time," Minato said, sighing. "...At least I would be cute. I'd wear a maid outfit all day, even through Tartarus. I'd charm the Shadows by calling them Master... Not that I'd like someone to do that to me, of course."

"Well, you could have told us sooner. Gin-san would have been happy to help. Well, happier than he is now, which isn't all that much. He's on sugar withdrawal, and we might all die horribly in a matter of days. Hard to be optimistic."

"I don't know who this Gin-san is, and I somehow have this feeling I soon _will_ know regardless of my desire to, but I think I see where he's coming from. Well then-" Minato frowned, turning towards his dumbstruck companions. "Shinpachi-san, would you please do the honors and explain the whole situation to these idiots, who are probably still confusing you with one of my Personas that has no resemblance to you whatsoever?"

"...Eeh? _Again?"_ Shinpachi blinked behind his glasses. "Come now. I've explained all of that last chapter already. The readers are gonna get bored. This fanfiction won't even reach 10 followers that way."

"Don't be like that. On this site, we use this beautiful thing called line breaks."

* * *

 _And so, after many words you have already read last chapter..._

"So," Junpei said. "Our Personas have gone on vacation."

"Yup." Shinpachi nodded.

"And you and your gang from this manga generated by the warped mind of a Gorilla are replacing them," Yukari added.

"Yup." Shinpachi nodded, again.

"And that's why everyone of us now has a different Persona," Akihiko said. "With varying degrees of ability."

"Pretty much."

To Minato's utter horror, Junpei was giddy with badly repressed excitement.

"Man, isn't that awesomely _cool!_ " the teenager said, stars in his eyes. "We get new Personas out of nowhere! I mean, wow! I get a chick, right? Do I?"

"Stupei, I suspect it might have escaped your judgment, just like many other fundamental aspects of life," Yukari coldly spat, "but that is actually not really good news _at all_."

"Gosh, Yuka-tan, would it kill you to quit being so negative for a change?" Junpei replied, unaffected by his classmate's worries. "I have to admit it was pretty gross, but Shinpachi there totally kicked ass. He wiped out that Shadow like dust on his shoe."

"More like crash landed on it like a hijacked plane," the girl replied. "Though I have to admit I'd never seen a Shadow being killed by a... well, a _butt_."

"...I'll take that as a compliment," Shinpachi said.

"Come to think of it, weren't there other Shadows around?" Minato intervened. "I'm pretty sure there should be four left."

"Oh, I've seen them all huddled behind the corner over there," Akihiko pointed to a nearby intersection.

Minato looked behind his shoulder to see four Mayas sprawled one on top of another (actually, it was pretty difficult to tell, due to their bodies being some kind of liquid black substance, but he guessed so from the number of the masks), quivering and bubbling like rabbits. Well, jello-like rabbits.

As soon as they saw Shinpachi turn their way to follow Minato's gaze, the monsters ducked behind the corner with the speed of a cornered gazelle.

"Hey... are those the man-eating monsters who threaten humanity?" Shinpachi asked. "Because they're honestly kind of pathetic. Not that I'm complaining, but I'm actually starting to feel sorry for them."

"Well, you _did_ completely squish one of their comrades into tiny little bits that are now covering the most of the floor and the ceiling," Junpei replied. "So to them, we must look like crazy psychopath warlords painted with the blood and entrails of their own kind. That would be actually cool, if we didn't look like we've been swimming in an ocean of oil."

"...For once, I actually agree with you, Junpei," Yukari grunted, looking down at her soiled clothes. "Uuugh, and this thing _smells_ , too. I say we wrap this up for today and leave the Guardian for tomorrow... After a shower and a good deal of strategy."

"Seconded," Minato quickly agreed.

 _...Though something tells me that no amount of strategy will ever get us out of this._

* * *

Minato, the poor innocent soul, really thought his troubles were over, at least for that night.

Of course, he was wrong.

As soon as the group was teleported back to the ground floor, the five teenagers were nearly overwhelmed by the thick smell of smoke that pervaded the air.

" _Cough..._ What the-...?" Yukari almost choked, covering her mouth with a black-stained sleeve. "Was there a fire in here?!"

"Dammit to hell..." Minato grumbled, too tired to care about his Leader appearance. _Honestly... What_ _ **more**_ _does the universe want with me?!_ "...Fuuka? Did anything happen?" he called to the teal-haired support member of SEES, standing next to her Person-...

 _...Oooooooooohhh no_.

"U-um, Minato-kun!" the girl answered him with an uncertain voice, lower half of her face buried in a white handkerchief. She gestured towards the person next to her. "S-sorry, I tried to tell her to stop, but she just-..."

 _"Hah,"_ a gruff, raspy voice interjected, waving off Fuuka's comments. "Don't you try to tell an old woman how to live her life, kid. I've been alive long before you were a little sperm in your old man's balls. I don't need any of your lectures."

Next to the petite girl was an old woman in an elaborate, old fashioned hairstyle, wearing a dark kimono, a cigarette lodged between thin lips and a glare absentmindedly pointed at the group of teenagers.

"...How can a single cigarette produce so much smoke?" Minato coughed.

"Uh-" Junpei struggled with finding the right words to say. "Uh, Fuuka... Is it my imagination, or did Lucia maybe... just get a whole _lot_ older or someth-"

Any further words were promptly stopped by a lit cigarette butt squeezed between the teen's eyebrows.

 _"Gyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!"_

"What was that, brat?" the old woman barked, throwing away the cigarette and seizing the boy from his collar. "Didn't your mother teach you some respect? Who did you just call old!"

"Y-you were the one who said you were an old woman in the first place!" The boy answered, rubbing his forehead with tears in his eyes.

"Ah! Otose-san!" Shinpachi lit up in recognition, greeting the old woman. "Don't tell me... You got dragged into this mess too...? How many people did Katsura-san call?"

"Hah?" Otose grumbled, before unceremoniously letting go of Junpei, who face-dropped to the floor. "...Ah, it's you, kid. What the hell's goin' on, here? I don't have any time for games. I've got a shop to manage and a whole shitload of rent to collect. Speaking of whi-"

"U-um, it's actually kind of complicated," the boy was quick to answer, cutting into the woman's sentence. "Aaah, that means another timeskip, doesn't it. Dammit, I'm getting kinda tired of those. I miss the whole panels system when you didn't have to worry about explaining this kind of thing every time."

* * *

 _Another timeskip later..._

"What kinda bullshit is this?" Otose looked at Shinpachi as he had just told her he was secretly a girl. "We're stuck here playing babysitter? When are we going back? Like hell I can leave my shop to Catherine for more than a day."

"No clue," Shinpachi shrugged. "But it looks like we'll have to play along. I don't know how to go back home, and, well, these guys need a hand, I suppose. It's a samurai's duty to help those in need. Though if we could avoid dying, it'd be great."

 _"Che-"_ Otose huffed in annoyance. "Well, no use crying over spilt milk. So I'll have to take care of you, girlie," she said, eyeing a quite intimidated Fuuka. "Relax already, I don't bite people who don't owe me money. I'll even do you a favor and share the secrets of my youthful appearance."

 _Yeah... Better not_ , Minato and Shinpachi thought simultaneously. _If these secrets make you end up like that, the best use one could do of them is doing the exact opposite._

"...Did you two brats think something insulting, just now?"

"Nope." "Nothing at all." _Is she psychic?_

"U... Um... Actually, I was wondering..." Fuuka asked, "Do you have the same powers as Lucia, Otose-san? I was surprised when I summoned you. I was able to guide everyone through Tartarus just like usual..."

"Lucia? Who's that?" the old woman scoffed. For some reason, there was a cigarette in her mouth again, seemingly appeared out of thin air. "I don't know any Lucia. Sounds like a stripper's name, if you ask me. Is this Tartarus some nightclub? Anyway, whatever they are, those filthy black blob bastards scuttling all around can't hide from me. They'll have to pay rent just like everyone else, damn them! I'm not a charity organization!"

"Why are you charging innocent monsters rent? Have you just randomly decided that this place was your property? And why would that give you special powers?" Shinpachi asked.

"Did you say something, Glasses-brat-who-still-hasn't-paid-a-yen-of-his-rent?"

"H-hey, it's Gin-san who has to pay you rent, not me! He doesn't even pay _me_ , for that matter!"

"That reminds me, Shinpachi..." Minato intervened. "How come you haven't disappeared yet? I summoned you quite a long time ago."

"Disappear?" the boy asked, confused. "...Why would I disappear? I just got here."

"Personas are meant to disappear when they're not in use," Akihiko calmly explained. "But you haven't. You've been here all the time since Minato first called you."

"Uhhhh... Actually, I don't have a clue how I'm supposed to disappear." Shinpachi scratched the back of his head. "Do I just yell _'Disappear!'_ or something? ...Nope, doesn't work."

"Neither do I." Otose added, nonchalantly blowing smoke from her cigarette.

"...Are you kidding me?" Minato whined, on the verge of tears due to all the absurdity of that whole day. "Does that mean we're stuck with you guys all the damn time?! Where will we even put all of these people?! What about school?!"

"Well, there are some empty rooms at the dorm..." Fuuka said, patting her dorm mate's shoulder to console him. "And it's not like they're children, Minato-kun. I'm sure we can leave them at the dorm. They seem responsible."

 _Yeah... Why do I have a bad feeling about that last statement?_

"Oh, come on, Leader, take a deep breath and relax, a'ight?" Junpei jovially swung an arm around the blue-haired boy's shoulder. "It's gonna be fine, man... It worked out with Shinpachi before, didn't it? It'll be perfectly alright."

"...You're just itching to find out who your new Persona is, aren't you." Minato grunted in response.

"...Well, can't deny that."

"Whatever the case, the Dark Hour is almost over," Akihiko checked the remaining time on the large machine stationed in the middle of the hall. "We'd better start moving out. We have a whole lot to explain to Mitsuru and the others, and I'm not sure how she'll take it..." the teenager sighed.

The three SEES members gulped simultaneously, suddenly stricken by cold shivers down their spines.

* * *

"Haaaah... This was one hell of a long day..." Minato sighed as he bounced on his bed, lying face up on top of the covers.

So many things had happened during a single Dark Hour.

First, he had found the Velvet Room hijacked by some Tempura guy with a beautiful wig and a duck cosplaying as Elizabeth. Then, he had discovered that Igor, Elizabeth, and all of the Personas had very elegantly ditched him to go have the time of their lives on vacation. _Vacation._ In what other messed-up videogame did the supporting cast go on vacation in the middle of a war?! At least they could have taken him with them!

To top it all off, he had received a new Persona, whose most remarkable feature were his glasses, who made a mess of his uniform and who apparently could not leave. At least he hadn't gotten the grumpy old hag Fuuka had. That was a start. His hair still smelled of smoke after three showers.

As predictable, Mitsuru-senpai had been far less than amused at the sudden announcement. Minato still felt the chill in his bones from the frown she had sported throughout all the emergency meeting called to address the situation. Somehow, he had the feeling his senpai might be holding him responsible. Therefore, he immediately dashed into his room after the meeting. A... strategic retreat.

Aigis had no particular reaction to the announcement. She just nodded and added the two new arrivals to her memory bank, then _innocently_ suggested to _"make more space for the guests"_ by settling her quarters in Minato's own room. An offer that the boy promptly rejected. Next thing he knew, he might wake up to find the robot performing a full body search on him in his sleep.

Ken, the poor child, was so drowsy he probably didn't understand a word of the meeting. It was too late in the night for him to be up. Minato saw him dozing off with an elbow on the sofa's armrest and his head on his palm, jerking back to life from time to time. He was too adorable to disturb, so everyone left him be. Of course, when Yukari eventually woke him up, he flushed beet red and vehemently denied everything.

Koromaru did nothing but yawn and bark a couple of times, wiggling his tail impatiently. When asked to translate, Aigis complied in her robotic tone.

"Koromaru-san says: _Do not bother me with such idiocies, peasants. I require nourishment_ ".

The white Shiba Inu, wasting no time, tottered happily towards a scowling Shinjiro, who grumbled something that sounded like a half-hearted string of insults under his teeth and desperately pretended not to see him for the greatest part of the meeting.

The maroon-coated senpai was his usual brooding self, standing in a corner of the fourth floor Meeting Room, a bit distanced from the group. His only comment was a sort of low grunt, which could have meant anything, from _"Those guys are going to be such a pain in the ass"_ to _"Shit, I gotta find a way to sneak outta here and make something to feed Koro-chan"_. Both of the options were equally feasible. Minato was betting his money on the latter.

One of the main issues of the meeting had been regarding the new Personas' lodgings.

Shinpachi had been prepared a temporary bed on one of the lounge's sofas, since the only available room was on the girls' floor, and had to be relinquished to Otose, under the sworn promise she would not try to smoke inside. Minato actually found himself wishing she did. Just to see a confrontation between her and Mitsuru, which would probably prove to be the highlight of the hellish days yet to come.

 _Hah... I'm spent,_ the teenager thought, yawning and stretching. _Time to go to sleep already and forget all of these horrible things. Tomorrow will be a shining new day, I'm sure._

Saying goodnight to the world and praying every deity who was listening not to have dreams of the new Velvet Room, Minato stirred and shifted to get under the covers, turning to his side towards the wall.

His drooping eyelids met a broad chest clothed in a striped pajama.

Rising his eyes, following the body upwards, Minato saw a decidedly unfamiliar guy with a perm, who looked down at him, propped up on an elbow, with fish dead eyes and a bored look.

"Oi," the man grunted in a monotone voice. "Don't go crawling under the covers with the first guy you meet, kid. Next thing you know, you'll have a ring around your finger and an empty bank account. And I don't really swing that way outside doujinshi, anyway."

Frozen, Minato stared.

And stared.

And stared.

And turned to the other side, then closed his eyes, then turned again and _stared._

"... Oi, did you hear me or not? Quit fidgeting like a schoolgirl and get outta here already. I'm out of sugar and I wanna sleep."

Faced with no other choice but to accept the fact that a stranger had appeared in his bed out of thin air, Minato blinked, then screamed at the top of his lungs.

"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

* * *

 _ **ELIZABETH'S PLACARD** _

_(The author owns none of the things mentioned below)_

 _*_ _ **Lift It Up**_ _is a play on_ _ **Pick Me Up**_ _, a song from Japanese three-girl synth-pop group_ _ **Perfume**_ _._

 _*I'm sure most of you manga geeks know already, whether by personal experience or not, but a_ _ **fujioshi**_ _("rotten girl") is a Japanese term for a girl obsessed with yaoi (Boy's Love) anime, novels and manga._

 _*The protein rant is indeed courtesy of the websites_ _ **webmd**_ _and_ _ **theproteinworks**_ _. The author owns nothing, knows jack about protein powder, and does not wish to become an athlete in the slightest._

 _*_ _ **Torauma Central**_ _refers to the popular simulation game series_ _ **Trauma Center**_ _, published by Atlus (like Persona 3 itself) and based on real medical practices._

* * *

 _ **A pleasant day to everyone reading!**_

 _ **After a whole month of lazing around, I finally have another chapter. I didn't think it would be this difficult to write three different fanfics at the same time, but I have to say I'm particularly fond of this one. I'll update my other stories soon, I hope.**_

 _ **A huge thank you to everyone who reviewed, followed or favorited this story, even if Microsoft Word claims "favorited" is not a word.**_

 _ **Your kind words encourage me to no end. I'll try to live up to your expectations.**_

 _ **I hope I'll keep entertaining even one single person with this fic. If you feel like leaving me a review, which is of course most welcome, why not tell me which character (P3 or Gintama) you'd like to see first? Or two characters you'd like to see interact? The Persona/User pairings are already decided, but the order of appearance is not, so feel free to request and I'll do my best.**_

 _ **Oh, and to (I'm dreadfully sorry, I completely forgot to answer you): yes, this story contains an unhealthy amount of crack. Read at your own discretion. But I guess it's just a normal day in the Gintama universe.**_

 _ **Hope I'll update a bit quicker this time. I'll do my best. Until next time!**_


	3. It's Not Pharos, It's Katsura

**DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Gintama, nor Persona 3, nor any of their characters or situations. I only own my stupid plot. If you really want to call it that.**

* * *

 _ **Chapter 3**_

 _ **It's Not Pharos, It's Katsura.**_

* * *

Minato's high-pitched, girly scream echoed everywhere, disregarding walls and doors alike and bouncing noisily into every single room of the silent (not anymore) dorm.

"Wh- wha- _who-..."_

The blue-haired boy babbled incoherently, jumping out of his bed at sonic speed and flattening against the farthest wall in shock, pointing a trembling finger at the stranger. "Wh-who the hell are _you?!_ Why are you in my friggin' bed?! Where did you even pop out _frooooom?!"_

"Oi, oi, what the hell are you screaming so loud for?" The silver-haired man grumbled with a disinterested air, propped on an elbow on his side and digging out boogers from his nose with a lazy little finger. "It's not such a big deal... What is this, a doujinshi? I might be sleeping in your bed, but I'm not the heir to a gigantic corporation and I sure as hell don't wanna marry you. Chill out." He yawned, as if emphasizing the concept.

"That's not the point dammit! And- ...Wait a second. Those _clothes_ ," Minato whispered, something clicking in his brain at the sight.

The weird stranger with dead fish eyes was wearing a very _familiar_ set of white and black striped pajamas.

 _Oh no. Oooooooooooooh no. No, no, no, noooooooo._

 _Tu quoque, Pharos?_ The SEES leader darkly thought, fingers drawing soothing circles on his temples. _How low do you have to stoop to drag a little kid into this...? Dammit, boy, you're up for the scolding of a lifetime when I catch you..._

"...I don't think I want to know this," the blue-haired teenager gulped, sweating profusely. "In fact, I really, really don't. But... Could you be... Pharos' replacement...?"

" _Fareru*'_ s replacement? What, was there a concert or something here?" The strange man lazily rose and sat on the bed, tilting his head sideways with a dead fish look. Really, he seemed to have far less vitality than a fossil. "To be honest, I suck at singing... But the other day Shinpachi made me listen to some idol of his, if that helps. It was a song going something like _I Woke Up Before You, But I Don't Know Who You Are_. _What Are You Doing In My Bed, You Asshole?"_

"...That's _my_ line. And what kind of a song is that? Is the idol a slut or something?" Minato grumbled. _I'm so killing Igor when I see him next._ "-By the way, it's PHAROS. Not Fareru. A little guy, dressed like you, this tall-" the boy gestured to the height of his lower chest. "Occasionally pops out near my bed at night, honestly scares the crap out of me... Rings any bells?"

"Not really," was the lackadaisical reply. "I don't know any stalker brats with a foreign singer's name. Are you sure it's not just a weird delusion of yours? ...Maybe you're just a shotacon or something. You look kinda Emo, at that."

Minato was starting to _really_ get annoyed at this point. Too many things happening at once, such as people merrily ditching him to go on vacation and losing all of his best Personas in a single day, didn't really help him maintain his _"perfect leader"_ image, and that dead fish in a man's body in front of him was only making the situation worse.

"The hell I am," the boy harshly scoffed. "For your information, _you're_ the pervert who sleeps in a stranger's bed. On that note, please get out of my room already."

"Cut me some slack... I'm still sugar-deprived," the other answered, making no move to get up whatsoever.

"...What are you, a grade schooler? Go get some candy somewhere and for heaven's sake _get o-"_

Minato couldn't finish his sentence, because halfway through it, the door to his room burst open with a loud _bang_ , and what appeared to be a contorted mecha-weapon of mass destruction that contained a set of machineguns of different sizes, ten mini-rocket launchers, knives of assorted shape and length, a rather large miniature missile and a pair of nunchaku entered Minato's room and directed all of its weapons at the stranger simultaneously.

"O-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOI!"

The weird not-Pharos guy shrieked, instantly throwing his hands up. "I surrender! I give! Kill _him_ , he's the shotacon pervert, not me! What's this, _Koru Off Booty_?! I thought this was an RPG!" What the hell was he even talking about?

"Minato-san," a familiar robotic voice emerged from under the heap of assorted weapons. "Be at ease. I have successfully located the threat. Target locked. Commencing obliteration. All armaments ready to fire."

 _"Whoooa_ , whoa, wait, Aigis!" Minato screamed, recognizing the blonde mechanical maiden's voice. "W-what the hell are you planning on doing with that gigantic pile of weapons?! He's just _one_ guy, not an interstellar fleet! Didn't anyone explain you the concept of _overkill?!_ "

"Is this not an acceptable battle strategy, Minato-san?" the blonde robot quizzically cocked her head, looking at him with pale blue eyes from under the assortment of armaments covering her body almost completely. "Yukari-san once told me that the only acceptable method to eradicate a spider is to _'kill it with fire'_. I had hence assumed the structural integrity of the building to be secondary in comparison to an even minor threat."

"No it isn't! It _definitely_ isn't!" the blue-haired boy retorted. "Your thought process is so flawed it's terrifying! Aren't robots supposed to act logically?! It's a wonder we're still alive!"

"What kinda messed up things do you teach your robots, Shotacon?! _She's_ the real threat, here! _"_ The silver-haired stranger whispered to Minato, shaking hands still up in the air. "I bet she's the type who guns down little animals in her backyard because they chewed on her lawn! Humankind is in danger!"

"Worry not, Minato-san," the mechanical maiden answered, completely ignoring the pajama-clad man's comments and hardly sparing him a glance. "All of my projectile weapons are, of course, equipped with a homing mechanism. They will easily obliterate the _threat_."

She said _threat_ with a vein of disgust, looking sideways at the stranger as if he was a speck of dirt under her metallic feet.

"I'm telling you that's not the problem!" Minato yelled in frustration. "It doesn't matter if it's a homing missile if you shoot one hundred of them at once! We're _all_ gonna die, you idiot! Minato-san has _all the reasons_ to worry!"

"Firing in... 10... seconds."

 _She's not even listening to meeeeeeeeeeeee! Could it be that she really wants to try those weapons on a random victim?! If you need an excuse to let loose, don't drag me into this dammit!_

"O-oi, Shotacon! Do something! I'm too young to die by crazy robot chick!" the stranger begged, shaking like a leaf.

"Why don't you start with getting the hell off my bed, Silver Perm! And stop calling me that!"

"Firing in... 5... seconds. 4. 3..."

 _No way no way no way no way no waaaaaaay!_

 _"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!"_

The silver-haired man was desperately trying to fit in the small space under the bed to find shelter from inevitable doom, while Minato eyed the closet and sprinted towards it as a last-minute decision.

However, just before the countdown reached zero...

"Please _**stop**_ _,_ Aigis."

A voice coming from the hall froze all the people in the room with its sharpness, as if a chilled Siberian wind had just blown into the cramped space with all its frigid strength.

The blonde robot instantly stopped, all her weapons cluttering down off her body with a maddening clink of metal against metal.

The two males in the room didn't have the time to relax, though, because an incredibly hostile aura started blazing from the open door right at that moment, pervading the small space in a dark mist that cut off their oxygen supply, leaving them breathless.

Minato, who wasn't new to the ominous presence, gulped, and dug up the most convincing _"I'm just the innocent victim here"_ expression he could muster, again flattening against a wall. The silver-haired stranger, confused, slowly rolling out of his narrow hiding place, instinctively started sweating once more as a dark silhouette loomed over the three from the hallway, wild red hair flailing around like living beings and a pair of cold eyes flashing in anger over the group.

 _"Well then..._ care to explain what exactly is going on here, _Arisato...?"_ Kirijo Mitsuru asked in a cavernously deep voice, eyes blazing and almost emitting electric sparks of annoyance.

 _Gah! Why is she zeroing- in on me?!_ Minato winced."Um, Mitsuru-senpai, this, uh, I-I was trying to sleep, b-but, this guy, um... what's your name again?"

"Gintoki," the stranger answered, throwing a very shaky, quivering smile at a furious Mitsuru. "S-Sakata Gintoki, ma'am, owner of the Yorozuya Gin-chan in Kabuki-cho... A-Also, I'd like to point out that I am _not_ a pervert who sees little brats near his bed in the middle of the night, and that not everyone in this room can say the same-"

"Will you drop it _already?!"_ SEES' leader whispered menacingly in his direction.

 _"Silence."_ Mitsuru commanded.

The two young men immediately shut their mouths, not even daring to breathe.

The foul atmosphere in the room was slowly growing suffocating as Mitsuru, in all her wrathful grace and perfect, queenly posture, strolled into the room like a dictator visiting a poor family in the city slums.

Her eyes went from Gintoki, crouching in front of the bed, to Aigis, to the enormous pile of weapons scattered about the floor, and finally to the room's owner.

"While I do not care about your _personal preferences_ , Arisato-" the girl proceeded, eyeing the blue-haired boy as if speaking to a particularly disgusting insect.

 _Why the hell are you just assuming that_ _ **I'm**_ _the pervert here?!_ Minato thought. _I'm not the one who sleeps in strangers' beds, nor the crazy robot who constantly picks my lock at night! I'm the victim in this, dammiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!_

"-you should know that daring to make such a ruckus in _my_ dorm at night is _completely_ inexcusable...-" Mitsuru continued, stressing her words as if barely containing her anger.

"...Was it just me that heard _'so I'll bite you to death'_ * after that sentence...?" Gintoki added. "Does she read Jump...?"

"Nope... I think I heard it too," Minato gulped again. "That would explain why Junpei always loses his magazi-"

"-but even _worse_ than that," the redhead glared at the two, instantly silencing them, "-your ridiculously loud banter _woke me up_ , and for that, I am afraid I have no choice but to _execute_ you," the heiress concluded in an almost gleeful but very menacing tone.

 _So she's actually just mad because we woke her uuuuuuuup?!_

"Aigis, please restrain the both of them," Mitsuru gestured to the blonde robot. "Bring them to the fourth floor Command Room. I shall go... _prepare."_

"Understood, Mitsuru-san," Aigis answered.

...Where did she pull that huge chain out from?

"Oi, Shotacon... What exactly is she going to prepare for...?" Gintoki asked in a strangled voice.

"Believe me... You don't want to know."

* * *

 _The next morning..._

 _"Tch..."_ Shinjiro Aragaki grunted, walking towards the dormitory's kitchen with his hands deep in his trademark coat's pockets. "Damn that Mitsuru... I couldn't sleep a wink because of those guys' screaming and thrashing upstairs," he grumbled to himself.

Walking towards the kitchen on the first floor, the maroon-coated young man shook his head a few times in order to try and wake himself up. He nearly couldn't keep his eyes open.

 _Really. I didn't know Arisato's voice could reach notes that high. What the hell did she do to them...? Remind me never to wake her up when she's in a prissy mood..._

Seriously, not even him was _that_ reckless. Angering Mitsuru was a huge no-go, and everyone in the dorm should have known that. What were these two thinking? And more importantly, who was that silver perm guy, and where did he even pop out from?

The brooding teenager was starting to get really confused, what with all the new people suddenly appearing out of nowhere. He had to admit that he was just a little curious about his new Persona, but he had a hunch that calling them out without discussing it with the others wouldn't be a good move.

 _Now then... What should I make for breakfast...?_ Shinjiro asked himself, reaching the kitchen and swiftly making to open the cupboard above the stove. _I gotta make something for Koro-chan too... For now, I'll just make myself some coffee and then-_

He was greeted with a desolate panorama.

The cupboard was completely empty.

"What the-?" his grey eyes widened in shock. "...Where the hell did the food go? Did the others move it?"

Damn it, they knew he hated people messing with his things. Aki did, at least, so he should have told them.

With a weird feeling of discomfort in his gut, Shinjiro opened the adjacent cupboard. Deserted.

Then another. Also deserted.

Then the last one. Similarly deserted.

Then, finally, the fridge. Desolately deserted.

...No, not completely.

There was a single small jar of pickled radish.

"The _fuck-...?"_

Now, this was getting ridiculous.

Shinjiro was sure the fridge was full the previous night. That was because he'd just (secretly) gone out to buy groceries again (leaving the other dorm members with the mystery of who the elusive benefactor among them was). Also, he had just made a new improved mayonnaise that he'd recently come up with (at three in the morning while no one could see him), and that he was quite proud of, to be honest. How could all that food just... vanish?

Observing the area around him with more attention, the annoyed teenager started to notice that something was definitely wrong.

First of all, there were little chunks of food all over the place, as if someone had decided to hold a childish food battle in the kitchen.

Second, a trail of such chunks clearly pointed to a spot hidden from his point of view, between the counter and an angle of the room.

Third, from that spot originated a variety of curious sounds like _munch, gulp, om nom_ and _burp,_ much like the noises a carnivore animal emits while eating its prey.

 _What? Did some monkey escape from the zoo?_ He frowned, moving to approach the hidden spot with caution. _Last I checked, monkeys don't open fridges and cupboards so easily. The hell?_

The boy followed the trail with a very annoyed expression, avoiding stepping on sparse empty packages lying in the way.

 _"...Hah?"_

As it turned out, the intruder was no monkey, but a single, skinny girl.

She appeared to be a foreigner, around thirteen or fourteen, with pale skin, blue eyes and red-orange hair tied in two buns to the sides of her head, held in place by black and gold decorations; she was dressed in a simple sleeveless long red cheongsam and black boots. Worn inside the house, which was definitely rude, to _boot._

 _...Man._ That was the lamest pun his mind had ever come up with, wasn't it. He blamed the lack of sleep and the intruder in _his_ kitchen.

At any rate, the girl was comfortably sitting on the floor, surrounded on all sides by empty packages of a vast assortment of food, from Yukari's sugar-free marshmallows (really? what was even the point in eating sugar free marshmallows?) to various bottles of Ken's milk, to Fuuka's store-bought red bean _daifuku*_ , to Shinjiro's own personal handmade mayonnaise, and that's where he saw _red._

Grabbing the girl by the high collar of her dress, the boy bodily lifted her up until her face was perfectly level with his scowling one, sending her the nastiest glare he could muster, the one that sent delinquents crying to their mothers.

Unfortunately, the girl didn't look intimidated in the least, instead chomping on fistfuls of Bocky with many different icings that she was digging out all at once from a variety of packages tucked under her other arm. Arisato was going to go nuts... If he had actually managed to retain his sanity after Mitsuru's punishment.

 _"Hey."_ A _very_ pissed Shinjiro hissed at the red-clad girl, still noisily chewing and emitting the most irritating collection of noises he'd ever heard, who only glanced at him sideways with a curious look in response while never ceasing to munch on the stolen Bocky. "...Who the hell are you?"

 _"Hm?"_ She had the gall to look surprised and cock her head, as if not understanding why he was so angry at her. _"Munch..._ Name's Kagura... _Om nom..._ Real nice to meet you," she supplied with a blank look.

"If it's really nice to meet me, then don't ruminate like a damn cow while you're speaking to me," Shinjiro scathingly replied. "Didn't anyone teach you it's rude to talk with your mouth full? What the hell do you think you're doing, anyway?"

 _"Om..._ Well, I was hungry... _Chomp..._ And food is made to be eaten, no?" Kagura answered placidly.

"...Yes, but at least eat _your own_ food. Not a stranger's food. That's freaking called theft in my book. In _anyone_ 's book, actually."

"...So this food belongs to someone? _Chomp._ Very sorry." The girl kept chomping on the Bocky while talking, not sounding the least bit sorry. "I thought this was an abandoned house in the middle of nowhere. _Om nom._ You see, you may not be aware of this, but there is a zombie apocalypse raging outside this place. _Munch._ Cities destroyed, the world is in great peril, and all that. Therefore, we should help one another in any way possible. _Crunch_. I just told you the news, you gave me food. I say we're even. No need to thank me. _Burp._ "

A vein popped on the coated teenager's forehead.

"There's no zombie apocalypse outside, so you're currently in _deep shit_ , brat," he scoffed, irritation growing by the second.

Dragging the girl behind him, he exited the kitchen, with the intention of looking for Mitsuru and setting the matter straight. "-Listen, I don't know how you managed to get in here, but-"

 _"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey!"_

A loud voice drew closer from the staircase that led to the upper floors.

Shinjiro growled and turned in that direction, momentarily leaving Kagura to mindlessly munch on her (stolen) food.

"Dammit... Where the hell did that girl disappear to...?"

Right at that moment, Junpei walked down the stairs with a brisk step, hat-less and still clad in his pajama, nervously looking around the lobby as if searching for something.

"-Ah, Shinjiro-senpai!" The teenager called to his upperclassman as soon as he spotted him, instantly walking towards him. "Did you by any chance see a-... girl..."

Only then did Junpei take the time to properly observe the scene in front of him.

Shinjiro-senpai, standing in the open doorway to the kitchen, looked _very_ aggravated, holding a familiar girl by the collar as she was busy ruminating on something that looked suspiciously like Minato's Bocky collection.

Behind him, the kitchen looked like a battlefield, with bottles, packages and chunks of food scattered everywhere and the cupboards open and, as far as he could see, desolately empty.

Everything else clicked into place fast enough. His smile instantly froze in place.

"-I mean," Junpei tried to back down, looking for an escape route of any kind. "I-it's not like I'm looking for a _specific_ girl. I was just asking if you maybe knew someone to introduce to me...? It's not like I secretly evoked my new Persona because I was curio-"

"I see. So she's your Persona, Iori," Shinjiro interrupted him with a grunt.

He drew the girl upward in front of him, lifting her again, then comparing her to the sweating teenager with a glance. "...Everything makes sense now." He concluded, nodding.

"Huh? M-make sense...?" Junpei asked, kind of relieved that his Senpai hadn't instantly chucked an ax or a stop sign at him. To be honest, he looked like he was out for blood, and he really had a feeling it could as well be _his._

"Simple. One look at the both of you and one can tell that you're both morons from a thousand miles away," Shinjiro deadpanned with a sour tone. "I can definitely see the resemblance. No wonder she's your new Persona."

"T-that's a bit... _Haha...-"_

"Anyway," the upperclassman walked towards Junpei, dragging a ruminating Kagura by the collar as if she was a bag full of potatoes. "This kid is apparently your responsibility, even if the thought makes me wanna laugh my ass off-"

"What's with you all lately...?" The other lowered his head, dejected. "First Yuka-tan, then you... Did I do something to make you guys angry?"

"If you actually had a brain, you'd see that you _just_ did. Now, the others will be down for breakfast in a few minutes, and all we have in the fridge and cupboards is a single jar of pickled radish-"

Kagura decided to noisily make her presence known right then _._

" _Burp..._ I do not much like pickled radish. It tastes weird."

"..."

Shinjiro now looked like he was earnestly trying his best not to throw his ax square on the girl's head. He took a deep breath, tugging his beanie lower on his eyes as if trying to calm himself down and use his hands for something other than strangling someone with red hair and a similarly colored dress.

"...Long story short, this is ultimately _your_ fault, so you're both going out to buy groceries. Right _now."_

The upperclassman let the girl down in front of Junpei, perhaps _dropped_ would be a better term, and promptly turned away, stomping off and up the stairs with heavy steps without looking back once.

"B-but...!" Junpei tried to stop him.

"-And did I mention that Mitsuru gets really grumpy in the morning if she doesn't have her chai latte with a triple chocolate chip cookie?" Shinjiro said, not even turning around.

Junpei promptly helped the girl up and dashed up the stairs with a nervous smirk.

"...Gotta go change. Be down in a minute!"

"Make that twenty seconds," Shinjiro called to him. "I don't know how long I'll be able to distract her for."

* * *

 _Junpei, Junpei... What have you gotten yourself into this time? Why do you always have to do things without thinking? ...And why does your inner voice sound suspiciously like your mother, while we're at it?_

Pushing a cart through a small supermarket's aisle at seven in the morning of a Sunday, accompanied by a weirdly dressed little girl, was not quite Junpei's definition of a good start for the new day.

...But then again, being subjected to Mitsuru-senpai's punishment when the heiress was severely sleep-deprived and in dire need of breakfast was something he didn't even want to imagine. There was little choice in the matter.

The boy sighed dejectedly, taking off his hat momentarily and scratching his head. He was in a _real_ big mess this time.

 _"_ Say..." he eventually called to the girl trotting behind him. "What was your name, again?"

"Kagura," the other readily answered, looking around the various shelves with a look of intense concentration. "You may also call me Leader, or Queen, if you will."

 _Yeah... no_ , Junpei thought. _You don't really have the vibe for either of these._

 _Hmm... Come to think of it, she is my Persona. And being my Persona... she must have some sort of ability. Like that Shinpachi guy. Maybe... if she's even stronger than him..._

The boy's eyes lit up. He had just been furnished with a genius idea. _M-maybe I could even be appointed as Leader myself! T-they'd all finally have to recognize my worth! Minato would smile at me and call me Leader! A-awesome! Way to go, Junpei Iori!_

 _"Sooooo_ , Kagura!" Junpei tried to sound as cheerful as possible, even slinging an arm around the smaller girl's shoulders as he walked. "Are you strong?"

The redhead instantly reacted to that question, whipping towards him and immediately assuming a fake disinterested expression, nose as far up in the air as humanly possible without falling.

Apparently, she had been waiting for him to ask her that all along.

 _"Hm..._ Some could say I am, indeed," The girl straightened up and looked away, breaking in a self-complacent smirk, chuckling darkly _._ "But really, I am just your average, everyday fair maiden... _Kukukukuku."_

 _...What's with that really irritating arrogant face? You say one thing, but your face says the opposite. You're the farthest thing from a fair maiden I've ever seen._

"Really?!" Junpei asked. He had to admit, he was excited to see what such a small girl could do. "Hey, do you use spells? Or a weapon? Ah, is that umbrella you always bring around a weapon?"

"What, this? No way. This is just a normal umbrella," Kagura replied, casually shooting a flurry of projectiles to the shop's ceiling. "...See? Nothing much, really," she said, casually picking her nose with an obviously satisfied look. "I can do this anytime, no sweat."

 _A normal umbrella doesn't shoot bulleeeeeeets!_ Junpei thought, ducking to cover his head in order not to be buried by a cloud of dust and plaster. _Don't destroy the friggin' shop just to look cool! The cashier might see you! Who do you think is going to pay for this?!_

"Actually, my clan is made of very strong people," the girl continued without a care, taking a package of something off a shelf and dumping it into the cart without even looking. She repeated the action at every different shelf they reached. "We can destroy everything with our fists..."

Kagura raised a hand at that sentence, retracting it as if preparing to hit a nearby refrigerator.

"NO! Don't try it!" Junpei yelled, jumping in front of her. "I believe you! I believe you, so don't destroy anything more, please!" _We're way too close to the cashier!_

The girl glanced at him with an almost disappointed look, then turned away with a pout on her face.

"...Fine, fine. Your loss. Anyway, I say you had a really lucky draw, Baseball-kun. To have such a beautiful and strong young lady as... as... Well, I don't really remember what I'm supposed to be. But having the Queen of Kabuki-cho as your leader and master is surely lucky. My congratulations."

 _Master? Who ever said_ _ **you're**_ _my master?_ _ **I'm**_ _supposed to be the master, here. You're just the underling. Ah, that sentence would have sounded so much better if I'd gotten myself a hot maid Persona... argh._

"It's Junpei... Iori Junpei." The boy answered, sighing to himself. "...Well, I guess I'm lucky that you're so strong, even if, to be completely honest, I was kinda hoping for an _HeyOA_ *-level hottie, but-"

"...Are you perhaps trying to imply I'm _not_ hot, Baseball-kun?" Kagura said, casually bending a piece of the metal cart as if she was folding a duvet in half.

"-but of course I see that your beauty far exceeds an idol's so I'm completely satisfied and I see no particular profit in killing me," Junpei spat out in a single breath.

"I will have to decline your invitation. I'm obviously a lot younger than you. It could never work between us."

"..."

 _Damn it... The manga industry is a gigantic factory of lies,_ the teenager considered, grumbling as he unloaded half the stuff Kagura had thrown in the cart at random, only to have her attempt to load it with even more stuff. _If I was in a shounen manga, now I would be accompanied by a cute loli partner that goes "Please save me, Junpei onii-saaaan!" all the damn time. Instead, I'm stuck with an overly violent binge eater that doesn't even try to be cute. I'm suing Jump for all the lies it feeds into the mind of young men worldwide-_

"Oi, the kid with the baseball hat."

Junpei, forcibly snapped out of his thoughts, turned to see the only cashier, a chubby woman around 50 with way too much makeup for her age, stare at him blankly while loudly chewing on a piece of gum. The distinct strawberry smell was so overwhelming he felt like puking.

"...Yes, ma'am?"

The woman blew a gigantic balloon with the pink-colored gum, which popped with a startlingly loud sound a minute later.

"That brat of yours with the Chinese dress is eating half my store," she eventually mumbled, lazily pointing at somewhere behind Junpei with a fat finger.

The teenager turned to see at least half of the shelves in the nearest aisle empty.

"H-HEY! What the hell are you doing?!"

 _I lost her for half a second!_ _How could she be that fast?! Who is she, Joint-of-Bones Panic*?!_

 _"munch munch munch munch_... I am replenishing my superhuman strength for the upcoming zombie apocalypse," Kagura replied without missing a beat.

"Zombie apocalypse?! There is no way there will be a zombie apocalypse anytime soon! Are you a prophet?! What are you, Nostradamus?! Don't screw with me!"

The girl looked at Junpei with an almost pitying look, shaking her head and sighing.

 _"Gulp..._ You people are always the same. Always thinking nothing bad could ever happen to you. Why shouldn't it? Death is the ultimate destiny of all mankind. You can simply go to the bathroom and die on the spot from dysentery. How pitiful. _Om nom nom."_

"What does dysentery have to do with all this?!" Junpei yelled, trying to pry the girl from the pile of food still intact behind her. "As far as I'm concerned, _you're_ the one who's most at risk, here, with all the food you're shoveling down your throat! Anyway, these things aren't free! It's my money you're blowing off!"

 _"Om nom..._ How disappointing, Baseball-kun. It seems you too are one of these people hopelessly stuck in the jaws of _computerism_. Always thinking _'money, money, money'_. Is there any room for piety and generosity in this rotten society anymore?"

"Don't try to change the subject with some lofty speech! And the word you're looking for is _'consumerism'_! What the hell is _computerism?_ Are you an hologram?!"

"...Hey, Baseball Hat," the cashier interjected, noisily popping another gum balloon the size of a football. "Zombie apocalypse or not, you better have the money for all that. This ol'woman is also stuck in the rotten consumerist society of today. So pay up and get that miniature food processor out of my shop already."

 _"Urgh..."_

Junpei looked down at his wallet with pure despair in his eyes.

 _...Goodbye, Burii-chu tankoubon*. You were... my new dream._

In the end, Junpei's trip to the supermarket ended with him returning home with a very light wallet and an even lighter shopping bag. Kagura had managed to eat half of their purchases on the way home.

* * *

 _An hour later..._

"..."

Mitsuru wordlessly glared down at Junpei, nearly freezing him to the bone with a single frigid stare.

Kagura, sitting next to the boy on one of the sofas in the dorm lounge, pointedly looked the other way with a pout on her face. The heiress had made sure to have all the remaining food in the house confiscated and locked up tight out of her reach.

"..." Junpei audibly gulped, the air in his lungs leaving him at an astoundingly fast rate.

"...It appears you people _really_ wish to die today," Mitsuru concluded in an almost casual tone.

"M-Mitsuru-senpai, I-..."

"Silence, Iori."

"Y-yes, ma'am."

The upperclassman folded her arms, and the room's temperature sensibly dropped a few degrees.

"Not only have you arbitrarily decided to evoke your Persona while knowing that it would cause trouble... But your Persona also ate all of our food, and _more importantly_ , my triple chocolate chip cookies, baked every Saturday morning by my personal chefs and personally delivered to me in the evening of the same day. Do you know what this means, Iori...?"

"Uh... T-that we won't have anything for lunch because said Persona ate almost all the groceries before they reached home...?"

"No. That is inconsequential," the Kirijo heiress waved a hand in midair, as if brushing the problem aside. "...It very simply means that I'll have to wait _a whole week_ for a new batch of cookies. And that is... _unacceptable."_

She said this with a tone full of venom, as if being deprived of her cookies was, to her, a crime far more severe than murder or theft.

"Wow, Baseball-kun. You really flunked it big time," Kagura whispered in the boy's ear, completely unconcerned.

"Don't say that as if this wasn't your own fault, _you-!"_

 _"Silence."_

"..."

"Now, as much as I would like to punish your Persona directly... I am against corporal punishments towards children," Mitsuru proclaimed as she glanced sideways at Kagura. "Therefore, I'll account you as responsible for all her crimes, Iori. You shall be executed."

"E-EEEEEHH?! N-no, wait!" The boy jumped up, pointing at the younger girl on the sofa. "This... This isn't fair! It was all her damn fault! And she isn't _that_ much younger than us!"

"Unloading your own responsibilities on a poor child... How disappointing."

Mitsuru looked at Junpei as if he was some sort of filthy reprobate, laying a protective hand on Kagura's shoulder, while the latter's mouth, hidden from the older girl's view, distorted in a sickening grin.

"Yeah, Baseball-kun. How pitiful... _Kusu kusu."_

"Look at her dammit! She's _laughing!_ She's outright _laughing at me!_ She's pissing me off!"

"Stop this, Iori. Your behavior is unsightly. Act like an adult for once."

 _You're the one who's not acting like an adult!_ The boy thought, cold sweat dripping from his forehead. _Why are you executing me because of your damn_ _ **cookies**_ _?! Are you a grade schooler?!_

"Aigis. Bring him upstairs."

"Understood."

"N-no, wait! Stop! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-!"

While Junpei was being bodily dragged up the stairs by the robot maiden, Minato and Gintoki, walking down them in the opposite direction, wobbling unsteadily and with the appearance of two castaways starved for weeks, glanced at him with a pained look.

"...Good luck, man," Minato said, patting the boy's shoulder as he limped past him.

"...You'll need it," Gintoki offered, nodding at Junpei as if showing respect to a comrade in arms and shuffling past him as well.

And thus, the doors to the fourth floor Command room opened again for the second time, that day.

* * *

 _ELIZABETH'S PLACARD OF THE DAY_

 _(The author owns none of the things mentioned below)_

* * *

 _*_ _ **Fareru**_ _is a play on the (possible?) Japanese pronunciation of the name of the American singer_ _ **Pharrell Williams**_ _._

 _*_ _ **I'll bite you to death**_ _is the catchphrase of Hibari Kyoya, a character from the manga Katekyo Hitman Reborn, who is known for his extreme aggressiveness and desire to uphold discipline in his school, punishing all those who break the rules with violence._

 _*_ _ **Daifuku**_ _is a traditional Japanese sweet cake made with mochi (glutinous rice paste generally made into a small round shape) with different types of filling, in this case, sweetened red bean paste. It has a very weird, unusual texture for westerners (personally, I can't stand it)._

 _*_ _ **AOA**_ _(Ace Of Angels) is a South Korean female pop group that also sings in Japanese, like many other similar groups._

 _*It's not_ _ **Joint of Bones Panic**_ _. It's "Speed of Sound Sonic". Thus spoke_ _ **One Punch Man**_ _._

 _* A_ _ **tankoubon**_ _is a volume collecting many chapters of a single manga previously appeared on a weekly magazine such as Jump._

* * *

 _ **Hello, everyone! Please, please do forgive me for the delayed update. I'm trying my best to publish at least once a month, but real life and my own lazy personality don't make it any easier on me.**_

 _ **I am also very sorry for not replying personally to many reviews. I completely forgot to, over time. I am deeply ashamed. Therefore, to atone, I shall answer your questions here!**_

 _ **Fier 66**_ _ **: Thank you very much! This Kagura chapter-aru is dedicated to you for your kind words and your request. Rest assured, I'll keep your other suggestions in mind as well. Actually, I didn't mean it as a romantic pairing, since this isn't really a romance fic, buuut... Upupupu. An author should always listen to their readers. Therefore, I will keep that in mind (also my favorite Gin pairing). As for the manga chapters, I have to admit I'm a bit behind with the last ones, because I have the bad habit of binge-reading chapters and then stop reading a manga altogether for some time to focus on another. Not to worry, though. Zura is always badass. Even when he's being a moron. It's probably the wonderful hair.**_

 _ **Bladestar123**_ _ **: You are far too kind! Hazukashii-desu! Don't worry, Minato and Gintoki appeared on the first part of this chapter, and your favorite trio will have more time to bond in the future. After all, they already are comrades in arms... united by execution by Mitsuru-senpai. How romantic.**_

 _ **Lunarian**_ _ **: Thanks a lot! Yeah, the idea is to rewrite Persona 3's basic plot with a Gintama tone, so I guess this fic is more Gintama than Persona. I'm glad you enjoyed!**_

 _ **Skarrow**_ _ **: I can only receive your praises with a smile! I'm overjoyed that you found my plot funny, and I must commend you for reading through all that huge copypasta. Even I had trouble with it while spellchecking. And, of course, worry not: our favorite Shinsengumi will be part of the gang very soon.**_

 _ **GameAndAnimeFreak:**_ _ **Thank you! If this made you laugh like Gintama does, then it's the greatest compliment I could ever receive. Don't worry, you didn't sound forceful at all. More encouragement is always welcome! I'll try my best to be quicker in the future!**_

 _ **Silent Hero 13**_ _ **: Well, Senpai is a man after my own heart, so he already knows what I have to say. May he be blessed by the gods of comedy.**_

 _ **Thank you to all who reviewed and favorited or followed! I hope you'll receive your dose of madness sooner next time. Keep up the requests for your favorite characters/ situations! See you soon!**_


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